Disappointed

So, it's graduation day, and, naturally, I'm not tired. I've been tired all day, and now when it's time to sleep so that I can get up early...

I wrote a few posts ago about how I had a rough path to graduation. Several things snowballed until I just did not have enough credits at the last minute, but I worked it out. But it was hard work, and I had to pay a lot for everything that led to my graduating today. The biggest price has actually turned out to be my friends.

Now, this is weird to me, because this was not how college ended. With college, I think I was 100% ready to leave. I wasn't attached to the city or the university, nor anybody except maybe one person. I was very tired of school. And I'm tired of school now, but I love the university, where I live and the area...and there were several people I wanted to spend time with before I left because we're all going to be in different places.

I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know if I thought I'd have time or if I was just so focused on getting everything done so that I could graduate. But I didn't attempt to get in touch with anybody this semester. I spent time with BFLS and BRF--oh, and with my Korean friend--because they contacted me to hang out. But I kind of forgot everyone else. Last weekend, BFLS and I were hanging out, and I told her that I wanted to see several people before leaving but there was one person I had to see. Other than BFLS and Angel, this person has been there for me the most. He's essentially the only gay friend I have and the only gay person who has tried to understand or help me with issues surrounding that part of who I am. He's the only person I've been able to talk to about being queer.

I can't believe I'm not going to get to see him before I leave. I haven't seen him in months--not at all this semester, I don't think, and only once last semester. Graduation is bittersweet for me in so many ways, but this is the worst. I go through a range of emotions concerning graduation, but never excited. It has usually been sad, but right now I am just really upset and disappointed.

To top it all off, I'm not even moving to Chicago. So, I kind of feel like Angel is...not happy about that. Even though I visit Chicago, every time I've gone during this school year has not been for long enough to see any of my friends there. And when I start to work, it's not going to be easy to go to Chicago like it has been during law school. So, for me, it feels almost like we'll never see each other again. I don't know how she feels about it. I don't think she has given up on ways of getting me to Chicago permanently. Like me, she's not an emotional person, so she's not going to say how she feels. But from the questions she asks me, I just get the sense that she wanted me to move there or at least spend the summer there to prepare for the bar exam.

Some of my other friends, I'm sure we'll see each other if I do actually move to NY. Nikki will be there, and my Asian Indian friend loves NYC to death so I'm sure she'll be visiting. BFLS is moving to DC, and I can actually practice there if I score high enough on one section of the NY bar exam...I might do that instead. My Korean friend was actually hoping I'd decide to move to CA instead because she hates LA (I don't blame her) and wants people she likes there to hang out with and kind of make it better. I guess I'm hoping my friends who will be in NY or who will visit will make it better for me.

There are all these articles and news stories on TV about unemployment and Bush's approval ratings. I know there are people having to follow the jobs, but this is not really being discussed in the news while I've seen a few people online writing about it being an unfortunate possibility or reality for them. I think there's only two people in the bunch who are happy about my possibly moving to NY, neither of whom are me. My family is unhappy, my friends are unhappy, I'm unhappy--because I couldn't stay here, where the unemployment rate is high, and I couldn't go to Chicago where the legal market is bad if you don't already have a job. I couldn't believe that the issue related to the economy that has most Americans up in arms is gas prices. It seems trivial to me, at least relatively speaking.

Finding a job is not the issue for me; it's where the job probably will be. I'll be far away from the majority of the people I care about, and I don't know if some of those relationships will survive. If it was hard to keep in touch with people when they were right here, just imagine. If I could have stayed here, I would have had a very reliable person nearby. If I could have gone to Chicago, I would have had an extremely reliable person nearby as well as family. Nikki and some of the others are cool and everything, but they are not really the best friends to me...and, let's face it, friends also usually aren't anything compared to family.

On the brighter side, at least I've completed one thing that I've really hated for approximately 2 & 1/2 years. The thing about being so busy, though, is that I've been going crazy with having nothing to do even though it really has only been a few hours of having nothing to do.