Disappointed

So, it's graduation day, and, naturally, I'm not tired. I've been tired all day, and now when it's time to sleep so that I can get up early...

I wrote a few posts ago about how I had a rough path to graduation. Several things snowballed until I just did not have enough credits at the last minute, but I worked it out. But it was hard work, and I had to pay a lot for everything that led to my graduating today. The biggest price has actually turned out to be my friends.

Now, this is weird to me, because this was not how college ended. With college, I think I was 100% ready to leave. I wasn't attached to the city or the university, nor anybody except maybe one person. I was very tired of school. And I'm tired of school now, but I love the university, where I live and the area...and there were several people I wanted to spend time with before I left because we're all going to be in different places.

I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know if I thought I'd have time or if I was just so focused on getting everything done so that I could graduate. But I didn't attempt to get in touch with anybody this semester. I spent time with BFLS and BRF--oh, and with my Korean friend--because they contacted me to hang out. But I kind of forgot everyone else. Last weekend, BFLS and I were hanging out, and I told her that I wanted to see several people before leaving but there was one person I had to see. Other than BFLS and Angel, this person has been there for me the most. He's essentially the only gay friend I have and the only gay person who has tried to understand or help me with issues surrounding that part of who I am. He's the only person I've been able to talk to about being queer.

I can't believe I'm not going to get to see him before I leave. I haven't seen him in months--not at all this semester, I don't think, and only once last semester. Graduation is bittersweet for me in so many ways, but this is the worst. I go through a range of emotions concerning graduation, but never excited. It has usually been sad, but right now I am just really upset and disappointed.

To top it all off, I'm not even moving to Chicago. So, I kind of feel like Angel is...not happy about that. Even though I visit Chicago, every time I've gone during this school year has not been for long enough to see any of my friends there. And when I start to work, it's not going to be easy to go to Chicago like it has been during law school. So, for me, it feels almost like we'll never see each other again. I don't know how she feels about it. I don't think she has given up on ways of getting me to Chicago permanently. Like me, she's not an emotional person, so she's not going to say how she feels. But from the questions she asks me, I just get the sense that she wanted me to move there or at least spend the summer there to prepare for the bar exam.

Some of my other friends, I'm sure we'll see each other if I do actually move to NY. Nikki will be there, and my Asian Indian friend loves NYC to death so I'm sure she'll be visiting. BFLS is moving to DC, and I can actually practice there if I score high enough on one section of the NY bar exam...I might do that instead. My Korean friend was actually hoping I'd decide to move to CA instead because she hates LA (I don't blame her) and wants people she likes there to hang out with and kind of make it better. I guess I'm hoping my friends who will be in NY or who will visit will make it better for me.

There are all these articles and news stories on TV about unemployment and Bush's approval ratings. I know there are people having to follow the jobs, but this is not really being discussed in the news while I've seen a few people online writing about it being an unfortunate possibility or reality for them. I think there's only two people in the bunch who are happy about my possibly moving to NY, neither of whom are me. My family is unhappy, my friends are unhappy, I'm unhappy--because I couldn't stay here, where the unemployment rate is high, and I couldn't go to Chicago where the legal market is bad if you don't already have a job. I couldn't believe that the issue related to the economy that has most Americans up in arms is gas prices. It seems trivial to me, at least relatively speaking.

Finding a job is not the issue for me; it's where the job probably will be. I'll be far away from the majority of the people I care about, and I don't know if some of those relationships will survive. If it was hard to keep in touch with people when they were right here, just imagine. If I could have stayed here, I would have had a very reliable person nearby. If I could have gone to Chicago, I would have had an extremely reliable person nearby as well as family. Nikki and some of the others are cool and everything, but they are not really the best friends to me...and, let's face it, friends also usually aren't anything compared to family.

On the brighter side, at least I've completed one thing that I've really hated for approximately 2 & 1/2 years. The thing about being so busy, though, is that I've been going crazy with having nothing to do even though it really has only been a few hours of having nothing to do.

Beauty Standards Pt. 2

Part 1 here

Would a Queer Woman Find You As Attractive As You Find Yourself?

In my search, I ran across an article, which I'm pretty sure features/is basically talking about white women, that got me thinking--do women generally hang out with groups of women who match them in terms of looks? I would describe my female friends as women who are generally a little bit above average, definitely not standouts to most people--or shouldn't be, I feel, except maybe in terms of personality. I think being a woman who likes women romantically, hanging out with straight women and hearing what some women think about their looks, is advantageous to me because I get to compare what I think with what they think, what others think, etc. I don't think straight men really get that kind of opportunity, i.e. to sit around hearing women talk about their own attractiveness level and he has his own ideas about that going on in his head as someone who could prospectively check that same woman out.

Interesting to note that while I think all my female friends are kind of average, except a few of them, the black ones are the only ones who don't have men in their lives right now, except one and she's in her late 30s. In fact, let me break down the women I'm thinking of as of right now:

-Nikki: so, I've mentioned her several times in my blog before. She's black, a little bit younger than I am, parents are African immigrants. I know I said I would leave Africans out of this, but I guess technically she's American. She is very confident that she is attractive, yet she is bewildered by why men don't seem interested in her. She has a really good personality; I don't think anyone dislikes her. She's not the kind of black woman that people like to think most black women are, i.e. I really don't perceive her as the kind of woman who would be much of a problem in a relationship. Thing is, she's not as good-looking as she thinks she is. I would say she is my least attractive friend. Though she has a good personality, for me, it's not the right kind of personality to make me overlook her level of physical attractiveness. If she were queer, we wouldn't be a match; in fact, I wonder how we're even able to be friends. We simply have very little in common.

-Best Friend In Law School (BFLS): have mentioned her before, too. White female, my age. I think she is perfect in every way except physical attractiveness. There's just no attraction there, physically. I do think she is average or a bit above. Sometimes, I feel that the outstanding nature of her personality would be enough if she were queer. There are guys here who think she is perfect, including physically, and she has a lot of male friends and a lot of female friends. Some [straight] women here agree she is the total package. She is extremely humble about all these kinds of compliments. She is engaged and will be marrying a man upon graduation.

-South Asian Friend (SAF): I think she's pretty in a very realistic way, i.e. nothing glamorous about her. She's not someone I would feel awkward hanging out with or dating because they look too good for me--and, trust me, I've been there with some females. A relationship would be a crazy idea, though. We're both too straightforward and controversial, i.e. a little too similar in ways that can be bad. It would be a little like having a relationship with a stereotypical black female. Last I heard, she was dating a South Asian male.

-Korean Friend (KF): I think she's pretty, too. Good personality. I guess she's pretty enough, combined with the fact that she's Asian, for me to be a little surprised that she seems to like me as much as she does, even in just a friendship capacity...I suppose partially because I perceive Asian females around here to be stuck-up and/or very interested in white people mainly or only. I've never thought about dating her, but she has been in a relationship (with some white guy or another) ever since I've known her.

-Best Friend In Music (BFM): White female, engaged to be married. Men of all races love her, but she has no idea why (and neither do I). That article I linked to above? She is so one of those kind of women, from having men approach to the point of viewing it as a major annoyance to women hating her to talking about how difficult it is...only she doesn't think she's attractive and she's not friendly. I have never thought she was that attractive, so on one hand some of the male harassment stories she's told me have been amazing to me, but on the other hand I understand this is a white female, blonde hair, blue eyes, "innocent" or "girl next door," "tiny and cute" kind of look. But partially because of her, I believe pretty much everything the women in that article say, can see how it's a problem and have even been thankful myself for not having to deal with stuff like that, especially the more black men get away from liking black women (though older black men still seem to like and annoy us). In fact, this friend and I joke about how she needs to be a black woman so she won't have to deal with these things, as my theory is that black women who are good-looking don't experience the problems in that article except maybe when they're in black environments. Aside from having no physical attraction to her, I would never want to date her because, as with SAF, we're too similar in ways that are problematic and just too similar for a relationship to be interesting.

-Black Religious Friend (BRF): mentioned her in my last post (i.e. the religion post), she's a little older than I am, single. She looks alright, but...I don't know, she's another one of my friends I've never had the slightest interest in...absolutely no chemistry or anything. I can tell she cares about how she looks by her appearance, spends time on it and that she feels confident in that area. We have really good conversations, but I can tell we're pretty different in many ways. We still have a lot more in common in terms of how we think than Nikki and I do.

-Angel: mentioned her before, she's in her late 30s, married, half-Asian/half-white, GORGEOUS, GREAT PERSONALITY--too damn perfect, hence the name. In fact, if she were any other woman, I would likely have issues being friends with her. But for whatever reason, I feel very comfortable with her, and I can tell she genuinely likes me. I see her as the kind of woman that, despite coming off as perfect, you just can't help but like her. I can't see her having the issues with other women that women in the article do, and she strikes me as the kind of woman who doesn't realize how great she is and won't run around talking about being attractive, but is still just confident in general. I want to marry her, but I'm pretty sure some white guy beat me to it! haha. Oh, well. She's very much like all the great things I see in BFLS, plus the looks, and seems humble about her looks and everything else. In fact, I kind of joke about the way she responds to compliments. She's like, "That's nice of you to say," as if I'm not being serious!

-Black Successful Friend (BSF): who is also religious and mentioned in my last post. Late 30s, married. Don't really know her and this guy's story because that's not the kind of thing we talk about when we speak. I do think she's pretty. But I also never thought about her "that way," probably for several reasons--when I met her, I didn't like older women; I could tell she was straight; she lives far away; she's really more in the role of a career mentor. Like BRF--and, really, Nikki, too--I can tell she works on keeping herself looking nice and feels good about herself in that area.

I would say my closest friends are generally the more average ones, in my eyes, i.e. BFLS, Nikki, and BFM. Angel, BRF and SAF are the next bracket. I'd say BFLS, Nikki, BFM and Angel are the friends I've bonded with on some level, very special friendships and the kind that come about just from clicking without a real explanation...just could never have other friends like them, most likely, or at least not female friends (remember, this list doesn't include the male friends I have). Yet, it seems among these four women, you have differing levels of physical attractiveness. BFM is a guy magnet physically, even though she doesn't want to be. Nikki probably wishes she could get even just a little of what BFM gets. Angel's been with the same person for almost two decades and still looks better than most females who are 20-25 years younger than she is. And everybody thinks BFLS is the total package, even straight females I know. The one commonality that maybe exists? Good-to-great personalities.

What does this say about me? Hell if I know.

But I guess ultimately, most women have a warped sense of how they look, at least vs how others see them. Is there a racial correlation as to what way? I think it's a good question.

Black Women & Beauty Standards

For a change, let us not talk about Halle Berry and Beyonce, white women or light skin vs dark skin. In fact, let's take African women out of the picture, as well. Let's just talk about everyday American black women and how we feel about us, physically.

This is one of those times I would really like to open up comments to see what others think about this--and, therefore, wish I had a blog that I could control to my satisfaction--because, unlike pretty much every topic I write about, this is the one topic I have not been able to find anything online about. There are many similar topics, but what I want to know--and can't seem to find the answer to--is...do adult black women generally think of themselves as attractive, or no, despite all the negative media and trends in interracial dating that leave black women out?

So, in this case, this is not my non-PC, no-limits response to a popular topic and response that I hear and see everywhere, per se. I'm aware that you can't generalize a group as far as some black women surely have issues in terms of their physical appearance just like many other women do, while some black women are very happy with their looks. I'm curious about black women for two main reasons, though: 1) I feel that we hear all the time how white women feel about their looks, and 2) as I've mentioned before in my blog on more than one occasion, my experience with black women is that, at least compared to what we hear about women/self-esteem/beauty standards in general and all the degradation of black women physically alone, black women are surprisingly very happy with their looks and have a higher rate of self-confidence in that area than other women. As I said, I have nothing to back this up, and it really could just be a result of the kind of black women I find myself around.

My search around the internet actually did turn up more items that indicate, at least, a mindset of celebrating black femininity, not to mention topics about interracial dating. I could find topics about issues of black women and self-esteem, but these issues never really had anything to do with the self-esteem of black female adults in relationship to physical appearance--it was either how some black women felt when they were younger, issues of colorism among blacks--which also tended to relate to being younger vs now--or just general self-esteem issues.

There are a lot of reasons why I think this question should have been raised and explored by now by someone other than myself, the bulk of them mentioned above at some point. But the main reason I'm bringing it up right now is because I find myself seriously wondering if I'm the only black female adult who does not view herself as physically attractive. Now, like I said, this topic today has nothing to do with white women, the media, or even body image--though I don't like my body, either, but I think every woman hates something about her body. I'm just plain-old talking about, I don't think I'm a good-looking person. Although the topic is raised in the context of race, my issues are not race-related. I think there are many attractive black women, including many dark-skinned black women and black women without permed hair; I just don't think I'm one of them.

As a black female who is racially mixed, very light-skinned, usually has long hair and has hair of a certain texture, I have probably been assumed on occasion to be a black female who automatically believes herself to be good-looking and/or who is standoffish or what have you because of these features. There has never been a time in my life when I have found myself physically attractive--ever. I don't think that will ever change. However, lucky for me, my self-esteem has always predominantly come from my intelligence (and in the last decade, from my talents, as well), so not feeling attractive has never been the kind of thing to keep me sitting around feeling bothered or bad about myself. Throughout my adolescence, high school and probably college, too, I pretty much never thought about how attractive I was.

I worried about weight, but I think I usually think about weight for me. For the past couple years, weight has been more about feeling good than feeling attractive, especially after having gotten on a healthy regimen and seeing results from it--results being things like not just weight loss, but having more energy, not feeling gross internally from eating junk or greasy foods, having an easier time doing certain things, not having as many headaches or other medical issues, being able to workout without being in pain the next day, etc. Still, the reason I say my issue isn't body image is because I could finally achieve my ideals in terms of working out and how my body looks, and I will still not see myself as physically attractive. I will like my body, but I will not think I'm much prettier.

As I've said before, it amazes me that pretty white women or even pretty Asian women can seriously think they aren't attractive, but a range of black women know--or "know"--they are good-looking. That is, some black women look good and they know it; some black women don't look good, but they still think they're all that. Now, obviously, I'm not saying "all" here...but I am saying it seems like you'll encounter more white and Asian women who underestimate their looks than black women. Ironically, they are the most desired women in the US, black women the least desired.

I also must say that I have wondered for years how people know they are attractive. Even if I thought I were, I would never say I was to anyone, and I don't understand people who do. One time, I did put this question to some people, and they told me, basically, that they know because they're told. Do I think everyone who is attractive is told as much, though? Not really. Do I believe the people who have said it to me? Absolutely not. With family, I feel like they say it because they're family. With others, I feel they are either trying to be nice or, frankly, trying to trick me in some way. Now, I have heard other non-black women say the same thing or something similar, so I don't know why I have never heard a black woman say this.

For example, my oldest sister had to know on some level that she was physically attractive, even though she had self-esteem issues, because, at one point, she was trying to become a model. My mother has essentially always been one of those people who, as I mentioned, will announce that she is attractive and still brags on her high school and college days as one of the most attractive women at her schools. Nowadays, she's a little more like those black women who seems like her mirror is not quite the same as everyone else's...no offense. My white friends and I laugh about it, though, because she would unquestionably be overweight to white people. And even to blacks, I don't think she would be considered obese or anything like that, but, still, they should be able to see she has some weight on her.

However, until recently, my mother has insisted that she is "thin." I don't think she understood that's not true until a doctor told her how much she weighs and let her know she's overweight. And, honestly, I still don't think she understands fully, because she keeps blaming the weight on things such as digestion problems, failing to see that she has been overweight for some time now. She, as does my oldest sister, also insist that I weigh more than they do. For example, my mother refuses to believe that I wear a smaller pants size than she does, and my sister's stomach is bursting out of shirts I have given her...um, she goes to work like this! I'm sure people there can see her stomach all day.

You remember my last post on religion and how I said many religious people seem to have difficulties in conversations sometimes, though I specifically meant conversations about religion. Well, make that conversations in general. I remember I asked my mother maybe a year ago why she feels that she is physically attractive and was telling her I don't see myself this way. And her response was basically something like, "Of course, you're attractive. Your parents aren't ugly. I was Mrs. Blah Blah Blah in high school and La Di Da in college, and women were after your father blah blah blah." And, come to think of it, I really wonder how my mother was considered very beautiful back in the day, because we do look similar sometimes. Again, no offense to her, but I have a hard time thinking about people in my family in terms of attraction, so I always find it odd when people describe their mother as the most beautiful person in the world, for example.

Cont'd here

Reflections on Religion

In a way, I'm surprised I haven't thought to tackle this issue before, and then I think about how little religion affects my life. The main reason I thought to write about this is because this past week I've spent some time on a site primarily for blacks and was reminded of how blacks, particularly when writing, mention God and/or religion all the time...and, to me, rather unnecessarily.

Aside from being black, religion should pop up in other inconvenient ways for me: sexuality, region and holidays. But, really, I've been pretty good at not having to deal with these issues. And I think it's because of the kind of people I stay away from. I don't live in the South anymore. I don't encounter religious people most of the time, because my experience has been that intellectuals tend not to be religious, except maybe if they're black. And most holidays I spend by myself, rather successfully ignoring and forgetting that it's a holiday.

I'm not religious and never have been. Frankly, I view blacks as people who pretend to be religious. I can hear someone saying that most "Christians" do. But blacks are special because it seems as if this applies to the majority of the race. Being religious is very much tied to black identity and even being from the South, by blacks...and apparently by others, as well, as one of the "Best...Posts...Ever" links to the right entitled "Describe a Prejudice..." includes Rachel, I believe, saying she assumes blacks are religious. But I'm not. In fact, I hate hearing about religion. I can't stand people mentioning God. This was so long before really understanding my sexual orientation (which, apparently, I still haven't done), so it has nothing to do with that.

My mother is one person I can point to for support that blacks pretend to be religious. She'll say the words sometimes and she'll have the narrowminded beliefs (i.e. having a problem with gays/homosexuality), but she doesn't really live as a Christian in any way and seemingly possesses more character pitfalls than the average person (i.e. controlling and overly-critical/judgmental of everyone, curses without hesitation, racist in private without hesitation or guilt, etc). This is how I perceive most blacks to be, except, unlike her, some of them go to church and their faults will differ. No one is fault-free, but as I said, I know better people who are not religious across the board.

When I was younger, she did go to church, though--we went to church. I always, always, always hated church. Everything about it--getting up at the crack of dawn every Sunday without fail, dressing up, sitting in church for hours listenening to screaming and yelling...oooh, and especially Sunday school. It was an all-day, every single Sunday event and I just could not understand the purpose. You have the Bible, which I still don't understand how any kid in their right mind is supposed to understand that thing. I remember trying to force myself to get into religion more in college and not being able to understand that thing then. I'm about to finish law school and probably still couldn't understand that book.

By college, it was really too late for me. I am a kid of science and logic. To me, education and religion are very incompatible. If I can't see it, I don't believe it. If you say it, I need to see evidence and proof. The reason why I think so many people in college and graduate school aren't religious is because school teaches you how to think totally differently than the church does. School teaches you to question everything, to support and backup everything you say, to poke holes in everything everyone else says, to follow formulas. I always perceived religion as being an area where you're supposed to just take everything you're being told. If God says this, you do it, you be it. That's not how people at my point in education are told to be; we're told to question. And I like being the way I am.

And when I was in college, trying to be religious while minoring in philosophy, I just couldn't help but agree with what some of those philosophers had to say about religion, God and man. I tend to believe man is the center. At the very least, I believe that if I achieved something, it was because of my efforts, not anything any God did, and that people who pray to God for help don't believe in their own strength or have enough faith in themselves (the latter idea coming from a philosopher, i.e. weak people use religion as a crutch--I believe this was Nietzsche).

Probably one reason I tried to be religious was because my mother has been trying to get me to be religious for years, even though, to me, she's not really religious herself. It's just that she believes in God, and she knows I don't...or more accurately, she thinks I don't when the truth is I just don't care whether or not God exists. As I said, my life is what I make it, so what does it matter if there is a God? That's how I think about it, when I think about it at all. My mother attempts to force her ideas on people, so she insists without question that one day I will become religious and believe in God, as if this is something everyone does and, clearly, God exists...how can anyone not see that? Very difficult to have a logical conversation with these people, because they can't use logic or evidence to support their beliefs, since religion is pretty much as I described it above vs education. When you make a logical point, they get exasperated and just repeat themselves or are like, (sigh) "Come on, you KNOW this is true." I have made my mother have to stop and think many times with a legitimate, logical question about what she believes. In general, my father is with me in terms of religion (the non-black parent and also a person more of science and logic).

Encountering Religious Blacks
It seems that every time I'm communicating with blacks via the internet/e-mail, they assume we're all religious or don't think about the fact that some of us aren't. I'm not the kind of person who complains about people forcing religion, or one religion, on everyone else. I know how people are; you can't make people stop talking about their religion. However, I reserve the right to ignore it, and I will tell some stories below about exercising that right, the last story being the most dramatic. First, internet stories:

My mother always sends me religious forwards. Always. And even knowing how I feel about religion. Especially if it's one of those forwards that you have to forward back to the person or otherwise, I ignore them. In fact, usually when I see that an e-mail is religious, I delete it. I made a black friend who does the same thing--sends religious forwards that you're supposed to send around. I never do, and I think to myself maybe she will get the message to stop sending those to me. But she hasn't. As I said, I don't say anything. She's also one of those people who when she talks about being thankful for anything, such as our friendship, or difficult experiences, she will mention God. I have another friend, black female, who does the same thing. I know a couple of white religious people--all from the high school days--and they don't do these things, so it's very interesting to me. Right now, my two best friends, white females, are both from religious families--one's father was a minister. All three of us are on the same page about religion.

One day, I met this black guy, at law school of all places, who assumed I went to church because I told him I was from the South. Throughout the conversation, the black guy basically did what blacks usually do to new blacks they meet--gave them the "black enough" exam. One by one, he assumed many things about me--including that my mother cooked "soul food" for my family growing up, to which I responded that my father cooks and not soul food--and, one by one, I let him know none of them applied to me.

Holidays
Later that same semester, I believe it was, I was on the train heading to Chicago. It was Christmas time. Now, being agnostic, I decided it was inappropriate for me to, in any way, celebrate holidays, particularly ones that relate to God. I also have my convictions, so I made the conscious decision not to say things like "Merry Christmas" in response to people who say that to me. I might say "Happy Holidays," but usually not even that. Other than that, everyone else can do what they want, and I will ignore it; I'm not going to fight a battle over it.

But these two people--a black male and, in particular, a black female--were making it pretty damn hard to ignore. They were rowdy the whole ride to Chicago--basically a 5-hour ride. And another example of fake Christians??? These people were drunk, harassing others, cursing and going off, slapped a female, etc. Yes, on the Amtrak. Unfortunately, I was sitting right behind these people. The black male kept harassing me, wanting to know if I had Jay-Z--yep, Jay-Z, not the most holy music--on my mp3 player, where I was from, etc. The black lady seemed to have the "Christmas spirit," loudly singing Christmas songs and such. Now, on the train, people are supposed to be quietly in their own little world and leave others alone, but no can do. She tried and tried to force everyone on the train to sing Christmas songs and say "Merry Christmas"...and, eventually, became irate because others would not do so. Now, you know if I'm not going to say "Merry Christmas," I'm not going to sing Christmas songs...not that I really even know that many. My plan? I decided to pretend to sleep so she would leave me alone.

I guess it worked for me, but, unfortunately, it didn't work for the white female sitting across the isle from me. Now, this black lady harassed this white female the whole way to Chicago! This is one time when if a white person wants to complain about black-on-white racism, I will support them, HAHA. We're talking everything from, upon learning where the female was from, talking about how white people probably don't live there anymore because black people now do, to going off about how not all black people are from broken homes like white people seem to think we are, to slapping this girl repeatedly in order to wake her up for no real reason!!! And if I remember correctly, the slapping happened around the time this black lady was walking up and down the isle, having her tantrum, going off on everybody on the train because they didn't want to sing Christmas songs and say "Merry Christmas." The black male was nowhere near as bad as her, but he was her accomplice and, as I said, he was annoying me while the black lady was annoying the white female.

My point, other than to tell a funny story, is I didn't complain; she did. And I probably had more to complain about. See, people try to force their beliefs, their celebrations of God, on others whether they realize it or not. And, like I said, I normally don't have anything to say about that, even though it really irritates me even in the smallest manner, such as not being able to spend time on a black website without seeing post after post referencing God or talking about how blacks are messed up in part because they aren't into God, etc, like blacks used to be.

Blacks, Religion & Homosexuality
In addition, I can't go to these sites without reading something where a black person--ironically, often a black male--ranting and raving in long, unreadable (because they are horribly written, demonstrating ignorance in more ways than one) posts about blacks and homosexuality. I say it's ironic because 1) black males are notorious for being on the downlow, and 2) the majority of these posts talk about homosexuality and black women only, which is funny given that so many black men act as if they can't stand black women...apparently, it's a case of "I don't want her, but you can't have her, either." However, I have seen posts with black women going off, too, or agreeing with the black males. They don't talk about this without bringing up the Bible, of course. Very interesting was how one of these black men wrote a post, kicking it off with crap about the Bible, but the whole way through was referring to black women as "ho's."

This is one of the reasons why people, particularly blacks, being narrowminded towards anything related to me in a religious way doesn't bother me at all. People rarely illustrate narrowmindedness in an intelligent fashion. Seeing how stupid they are--with the incorrect grammar, run-on sentences, misspellings and contradictions, not to mention THE ANNOYING ALL-CAPS--gives me a level of satisfaction, not to mention smug superiority. Of course, a white gay person reading those messages would be crying and whining and calling GLAAD and the media.

I've realized that a lot of people question queer blacks who identify more with blacks than white queers, or, as they would see it, "choose" blacks over gays. And I definitely identify more with blacks and care more about racism/racial issues than homophobia/queer issues. I really could write a book as to why. It's all about 1) experiencing racism all my life vs pretty much never dealing with homophobia, 2) not having the same interests/issues as white queers, 3) not being accepted at all by white queers vs having some sort of acceptance by blacks, even if it's just their being nice to my face and disparaging behind my back or over the internet. I've started to see a difference, because there are some blacks who fit in with the gay community. To me, it's about how race-conscious you are. Whites want us all to forget everything else and just focus on our sexuality. Blacks who are better at, at least, presenting the perception that they generally can do this and/or think about black issues in a way that is very similar to that of naive whites can find a place for themselves among white queers. There are other blacks who have the same story as I do, or similar anyway in terms of fitting in, and many of them mention things like not feeling that we have the same issues and interests as white queers and racism.

As unaccepting as blacks can be, I've had it with not being accepted by whites. I know blacks well enough to know how to navigate their alienation in many ways. As I said, at least many blacks will pretend with you, or even genuinely like you as a person but adamantly have a problem with your being queer through their lack of understanding about where queerness comes from. Whites don't really bother; you're always in the room but aren't, with them. I also have realized that I simply don't understand white queer culture, nor do I relate to it...and I have no desire to. However, I do understand black heterosexuals, even the "religious" ones. When it comes down to it, I can say that I have more experiences in common with them than I do with white queers. And I can tell you the hows, the whys with blacks as far as the way they think/act, but can't do this with white queers. With blacks, I just have a bond that nothing they do can will break; this is not the case with anybody who is gay, mainly because it's not a culture/experience I've been immersed/thrown in my entire life as with race.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Okay, so about two weeks ago, I found myself pleased with one--and, trust me only one--of "The L Word" storylines, i.e. showing the alienation trans individuals can experience in the queer community. One step forward. However, last Sunday the show took two steps back, in my opinion, by doing something the white queer community has a habit of doing--making blackness the face of homophobia. Interesting that they did this, too, given that not too long ago I'd also written about how the media portrays blacks and Asians, pointing out that one of the roles Hollywood likes to cast blacks in is, what I like to call, the "@sshole of the show" or "the b!tch of the show."

Well, that's exactly what "The L Word" likes to do with their more black characters--Jennifer Beales not exactly counting given that she hardly ever seems to identity with her blackness on the show. For example, there's a black female character who is on the show now for her second season, though, clearly, she will not be a mainstay of the cast. When she first came on the scene, she was known amongst the white girls as "angry." Although she's a bit more accepted now and has herself a white girlfriend, there are still times when she's "angry"...

Like when her white girlfriend, the professional homosexual I wrote about in the post linked to above about trans issues on the show, outed this black male athlete on the show. Seems the writers of the show--you know, the ones who can't bring themselves to write the only permanent black character on the show as a black character and writes pretty much all the temporary black characters the show brings on in stereotypical ways--decided to make the black male athlete a closet gay at a party one night and then a ranting homophobe to the media the next day. Fine--there are black homophobes, sure; I'm not saying there aren't. But the stereotype goes something like--and white queers, in particular, completely buy this--blacks are the only homophobes, or the most homophobic and, thus, deserve all of white queers' hate versus--oh, I don't know--the tons of Asians and Latinos who happen to think a lot like black homophobes or the conservative white homophobes who are always getting busted on the down low or just the significant percentage of the white hetero population in general that has a problem with queers.

What, were they worried that nobody'd believe a white, Asian or Latino as an athlete-slash-homophobe, thus adding another stereotype to the mix? Or were they just trying to mimmick the Tim Hardaway situation in every way except imposing their fantasy that every homophobe is really a closet case (not to mention every closet case is really a homophobe)? Can't they be more original than stereotypes and ripping other stuff off (btw, does "Les Girls" conjure up the idea of a lesbo ripoff of "Dream Girls" to anybody else?!?! If not, recall the episode from last season where they did this little fantasy musical-type thing out of "Les Girls," then answer that question again)? The most interesting thing is how this perpetuates the idea out in the world of whiteness as the face of queerness, not to mention the new and "only" wronged group left in society, from the show's blindingly white cast in addition to blackness as the face of homophobia...and blacks as the new oppressors rather than any longer an oppressed party, let alone part of the oppressed queer community. It allows queer whites to justify being racist, as if they weren't all along.

And then, to top it off, the white chick who outed the athlete got into a fight with her black girlfriend--the black girlfriend wanting to know why the hell the professional homo (PH) had to go and out the black dude. Frankly, the black female was right--it was not PH's place, and the way the situation came about could be harmful to the black female's future as she, herself, is not out...and if her girlfriend had used her head, she would have realized that outing an athlete would make her famous, garnering a lot of scrutiny of her, her background and, thus, scrutiny of her closeted girlfriend who is in the homophobic military (the reason she's closeted). But...the situation makes PH a heroine to white queers watching the show because white (and white-washed) queers have a tendency to think everyone should be out--indeed, every queer owes them the relinquishing of this private decision--and it's okay to out people, especially hypocrites who say things they don't like.

This is really what bothered me about the Isaiah Washington scandal. I don't get mad about slurs, but I see where people who do are coming from. So, it's not like I agree with Washington's behavior or choice of words. What got to me is the way white queers simply get mad at and protest other bigots whereas they make an example out of black bigots. The black bigot has got to get fired after a studio scuffle and be held up to say, "See? We told you blacks were more homophobic than everyone else." Meanwhile, some white guys can be to blame for the most famous hate crime against a homosexual as of yet in the US and Latinos can have more derogatory terms for queers than every other culture put together...still, blacks are more hateful than everyone else. And so, when it comes time to cast the homophobic bigot, let's make 'em black most of the time. And then we'll just have the angry black b!tch stick up for 'em.

Asian Males, the Media and Interracial Dating

So, I've touched on black/white and Asian female/white male interracial combinations. Let's talk about one of the least discussed match-ups: Asian men interracially dating.

Whenever I do read something about this topic, it usually puts Asian men in the same boat as black women. However, I think the Asian male case is more bleakly forecast than what's happening in reality simply because of the perceived influence of media portrayals of Asian males and the comparison to how Asian females are doing in relationships. Admittedly, I wouldn't know what's really going on. My perception just has been that, in heterosexual relationships, though Asian men are less in demand than Asian women, whites as always and now even black men, they are still able to attract white women and some Asian women, as I see Asian men with white or Asian women all the time. In queer relationships, it seems that the script is almost entirely flipped--Asian men are very much in vogue, essentially getting the same kind of attention as Asian females get in hetero relationships.

Another thing I must admit is I'm not very educated on the media stereotypes of Asian men. I can count on one hand the number of movies or TV shows I've actively watched that had Asian males in them. I do notice, though, that Asian males don't play leading roles and that they are often somehow involved in martial arts. What is this all about? Is it white racists in Hollywood? Is it a lack of Asian male actors or Asian males trying to succeed as actors? Is it typecasting?

Here's what I've noticed about how Hollywood--and, essentially, much of the US--works: you have to complain. White people hate it, but complaining seems to work for minorities in some cases. While there are many differences between Asians and blacks, one of the biggest differences I've noticed is that blacks complain, complain, complain publicly...and Asians don't. In fact, I've found that in order to find out about certain Asian issues and general sentiments/opinions among many Asians on various issues and current events affecting their group and others, it has really taken digging deep, going into spaces that are very specifically Asian...whereas if you don't know some of the things going on with blacks or how many blacks think on a topic, it's because you're not listening. With blacks, you're gonna hear it, whether you want to or not! With Asians...ehhhh...visit an Asian American message board, an Asian American journal/magazine, a blog about Asians by an Asian or a site devoted to Asian American issues.

So, when blacks aren't seeing enough blacks on TV, they let everyone know this is a problem...and then, sometimes, they demand to see a black character on a really popular show. This has happened with shows like "The O.C.," "Friends" and "Sex & the City." Oftentimes, blacks have their wishes granted...but not quite the way we wanted. For example, usually when "white" shows or movies stick a black character on, it's a black male--not a black female. And then these white writers and producers proceed to create storylines for these characters that kind of piss many blacks off, such as having the black male strike up a romance with a white or Latina leading lady rather than bringing a black female in (and worse yet, race is never an issue in these storylines), having the black character play a stereotypical role and/or meet a tragic end, portraying the black woman as needing a white male to save her or sex her up, having the black character play an extremely minor role such as the janitor/Principal/waiter or a character that is kind of like the @sshole or b!tch of the show, and so on.

Roles that seem perfectly harmless to the average white person result in all kinds of things that black people see. The black guy's a cop, but the cop is basically this nuisance to all the white characters, harassing your favorite characters unfairly rather than helping them. He's this dumb@ss who won't listen when the white characters, who always know more and are more proactive than the black cop, tries to tell him what's really going down. Ultimately, some white guy saves the day in the end, and the idiotic, useless black cop shows up a second too late to be the hero or just do his job. If you've never seen this before, just turn on pretty much any soap opera. These seem to be the only kind of black characters these people can keep on the show. Blacks in love, enjoying a normal relationship? Forget it. As soon as their contract is up--if they're even lucky to get a contract in the first place--their @sses are blown to kingdom come.

I've gotta tell ya, this is just like everything else with whites in this country--they do these racist things unintentionally and subconsciously. The average white person doesn't know anything about blacks or Asians other than the mass-produced images and stereotypes, so that's what they keep putting on TV and in movies (though because of Asian fetishes, whites tend to have more accurate information about Asians than blacks). They think they're doing something good by putting black men and Asian women opposite white characters in love stories. They think they're showing race no longer matters...which is, in itself, an ignorant thing to show since it's not true. This is not what they're showing us, though, right? They're telling us black women and Asian men are undesirable or incapable of playing lead roles (except black women who look white enough).

You can ask viewers and people in Hollywood who is sexy, and you might get a Lucy Liu or Sandra Oh on the list. You'll get the same standard black women, i.e. Halle Berry and Beyonce, but not Gabrielle Union or Angela Bassett. You'll definitely get black men like Will Smith, Denzel Washington and Taye Diggs. And, for sure, countless numbers of white men and women will make the list--in fact, all you have to do is say their first names and everyone knows who you mean: Brad, Angelina, Ben, Cameron. You'll even have Latinos (which I know Cameron is part-Latina), such as J.Lo, Jessica Alba and Mario Lopez on some lists. But how many times have you heard an Asian male counted among the hot? Aside from Jet Li and Bruce Lee, how many Asian males in Hollywood can you even think of? And by that, I mean men people know and acknowledge as Asian males, i.e. not Keanu Reaves or even Tiger Woods (not that he would make a "hot" list)?

Back to the Asian fetish thing. That tends to be more prevalent among white males, no? And white males are predominantly in charge of the entertainment industry, right? So, sure, they'll put an Asian woman on TV and have her be their sexual and romantic interest. After all, this is both consciously and subconsciously what white men want anyway. And these women are usually not all that "Asian." In fact...I'm not all that into TV and especially not into movies, but I can't help but notice that Lucy Liu plays a lot of "sexy" roles where she's always around whites and involved with white men. She's not that submissive Asian stereotype; she's the other one, the same thing Hollywood tries to do to black women every now and again. She's the sexual fantasy come to life, the f*ck toy. No doubt, once again, whites probably are off somewhere congratulating themselves for doing something good and "right" by showing an Asian woman as just as attractive to white men as white women are. So, Asian women get these stereotypes while Asian men get to either be martial artists or plain invisible, maybe sometimes breaking the mode to be that nerd-boy stereotype.

Oh, and let's talk about those nerd-boys! See, TV and movies aren't the only effed-up media. You know, it's sad when there are Asians out there who can really sing, but the one Asian to get a record deal and actually get the necessary exposure is William Hung from "American Idol." Asians have tried out for that show every season. One even made it to the top 3--Jasmine Trias. And Jasmine put out a CD (which I actually like, btw, and I usually don't like mainstream-sounding CDs that come out nowadays, so...) that, if you live on the mainland and watched "American Idol" when she was on it, you probably never knew anything about it...unless maybe you're Asian. But people in Hawai'i (where she's from), particularly the hapas and "full" Asians who live there, knew. Her music and voice were good enough to fit in with the pop/R&B that has been coming out over the past few years, but...oh, we get William Hung and Sanjaya. And then there are other talented Asians who have secured record deals here, but the record labels let them flop, like Coco Lee.

Kind of funny that the Asians they wanted to put out there were Asian males--the kind of Asian male that is "typical" in white and black people's eyes. William Hung was an engineering student at the University of California-Berkeley and totally looked like a geek. He had absolutely no singing talent. Sanjaya, while less typical of the Asian male in America's eyes, fit those stereotypes of Asian males being feminine and not having any creative abilities/talents. But, as I basically said, Sanjaya and Hung have gotten more love from "American Idol" and the American public than pretty much any legitimate Asian singer who has ever tried anything in the US. Why? It was funny to people. The Asian male is a joke to the US. They don't want to see any Asians who can sing R&B, but especially not an Asian male since there have been many Asian males who have tried out for AI but none of them make it to the top 10. Or do they?

What's the excuse for not showing Asian males as actors and good singers, other than wanting Asian females all to the white-man self and thinking all Asians can't do much more than math and science? Well, I do suspect that some of it is career selection among Asians. But that has been changing; the question is has/will the industry? Ask people who run Hollywood, and I suspect their explanation will be something along the lines of the public not wanting to see Asian males or to support their music, just like they try to justify releasing the kind of rap music they do and canceling shows that actually deal with racial issues by saying the public wants this and doesn't want that.

As someone who used to work in the music industry, all I can say is: it's a lie. The public doesn't really care who entertains them. They might care who's in their boardroom or even in their bedroom, but...make good music or good TV, and it's all good. None of us who were trying to make it in the industry as some kind of musical artist cared creatively what race someone was, and we all recognized talent when we heard it, regardless. I chased down several Asian singers, trying to get them to work with me, and I heard/interacted with Asian music producers who were intelligent and talented, not to mention had white clients. And, to me, the public does this weird thing where anyone who is a celebrity immediately becomes hot...which means get more Asian males on TV, and, like with Latinas when J.Lo first really got on people's radar with "Selena" and her own music, Asian males will probably be the new thing...both in the media and in society.

The industry has this totally new source of revitalization and trendiness, and they don't even realize it! J.Lo is the reason why I am forced to keep seeing Jessica Alba and Eva Longoria everywhere I turn around or why people care that Eva Mendes is now allegedly an alkie, and one Asian male actor or singer really could do the same thing for Asian men. Whether or not whites will get hip and cast more Asian males or if Asians will start to complain loudly enough about this issue, I think the same problems blacks experience after complaining about the media will happen to Asians, i.e. more Asian males in the media but in stereotypical and degrading roles.

Is the lack of Asian males--and the way Asian males are portrayed to date--in the media the reason for their lower position on the interracial dating hierarchy, at least for heteros? Well, I'm not a white woman, the group of women Asian men seem most interested in attracting interracially (and, for some, regardless), so I couldn't say. But I've seen a lot of talk over the past ten or so years that black women and Asian men should get together because they are the ones being left out in the cold. As I said, I don't think the situation is quite as bad for Asian men. But when I say I find Asians among the most attractive, that does include Asian men. I can't see how anyone would think otherwise of Asian men, despite the stereotypes (getting everything you know/believe about a group of people from the media is unfathomable to me).

But, as a black female, I never really think of them as realistic options because they seem to show the least amount of interest in black women of all the men from every racial & ethnic groups. I dated two Asian males roughly 10 years ago, but it's different when you're a teenager. The more conscious people become of race and racial issues, the more that seems to result in narrowminded-ness. Obviously to anyone who reads my blog, that includes me. Ten years ago, I wasn't hesitating or thinking anything of dating Asians at all. Now it just seems so impossible.

I've noticed that Asian males aren't free from the double standard I've discussed in other posts, though, i.e. they seem to feel negatively towards Asian women dating white men but they, themselves, would like to date white women. It makes me wonder, for the Asian men to whom this applies, would they feel differently if white women were as interested in them as white men are in Asian women? Although a lot of Asian women don't seem aware of/to mind/to believe that many white men who approach them have a fetish (and though some are aware and do mind, many seem not to attribute that to why guys approach them or to their fathers, if they're hapa, or their own boyfriends/husbands), I've noticed that men pretty much never care if a woman is not truly interested in him for who he is (perfect example being the way so many men try to use their socioeconomic status to attract women, essentially encouraging women to use them for money or their position in society, i.e. many white male/Asian female and white male/Asian male relationships, in fact). So, it seems, then, that white women having a fetish for Asian men would be quite ideal for Asian men.

It's Not Always About Choosing

With both a woman and a black man both running for President and being the frontrunners for the first time ever, an incessant amount of discussion, blogging, news reporting and commentating has been going on...to the point where I'm tired of hearing about the whole thing. Of course, it's not going to stop--it's only going to get worse. But one thing that really bothers me, perhaps the most, is this idea of choosing identities...and not just in the context of the election.

For one thing, take the fact that Oprah is endorsing Obama. Okay, everyone has to make this about Oprah choosing race over sex. Well, as I commented on AOL once to that argument, Oprah doesn't care about black Americans. I mean, she'll go build a school in Africa, but she'll also disparage black Americans in the process. I do suspect that race is part of the reason why she endorses Obama, but I also think it's the kind of black person he is. She wouldn't endorse just any black person because Oprah herself is not just any black person. Oprah is the kind of black person black people hate, and, indeed, most black people really can't stand Oprah.

In case you don't get it, it's the fact that she did go build a school in Africa and talks about helping blacks in Africa when there are all kinds of blacks in the US who could easily benefit from her assistance. It's the fact that she has a nearly all white [female] audience...because of the fact that her show has topics, guests and features books that basically cater to white women. So, no, we don't get the sense that she cares about or identifies with black Americans. Unfortunately, white people, being white people, can't see this and they yell "racism" towards whites and ignore that if she supported Clinton--as many seem to want her to do, or, at least, want her to have Clinton on her show--she would be doing...what? Would she being doing, in their eyes, the same thing, only this time choosing sex over race? I mean, could the woman possibly win for losing? Yet, some white people have the nerve to be angry with her over this or somehow think she's automatically supposed to side with sex.

Let's get this straight--the "normal" (read: not famous or rich) black people who support Obama overwhelmingly do so simply or predominantly because he's black. This is not Oprah's game. She has never supported a black candidate before, as far as I know and even by her own comments. She's supporting him because he's a "good black," or as I like to call him Goodblack Obama (pronounced much like "Barack," i.e. goodBLACK)...and I believe also because, like so many non-black people, she is, in my opinion, putting something new and "hope"--and for non-blacks their desire to prove they're not racist and neither is this nation any longer--above looking at political experience/longevity and who actually can beat a Republican. To me, the more I hear about Clinton and Obama going at each other, the less appealing either of them look...and the less "new" Obama looks than anybody else who has ever run for President. But, you know...the undertone of his being a change agent and taking things in a different direction relates a lot more to his race than anybody wants to admit. Suddenly, white is the face of evil and stagnation, even if it's feminine.

Even so, how would Oprah or my endorsing one or the other automatically translate into our choosing either our race or sex? First of all, Clinton nor Obama are Oprah or me. So choosing them isn't choosing my anything. Other blacks might identify with Obama solely based on race, but I don't. And I haven't planned on voting for Clinton simply because she's a woman. I just don't care that she's a woman. Honestly, if there were a white man running who had the best chance of beating a Republican into the White House, that's who I'd be supporting instead. There's not one running. And there's not a black female running--if there were, that way maybe Oprah and I could keep the public from sawing us in half, because her supporting Obama then wouldn't have to be about choosing race or sex and my supporting Clinton wouldn't be about that to everybody. The way things stand, if you're a black female you can't help but make the "wrong" choice to somebody, even if you're not making the choice they think/say you are.

And then there was this piece I read today. Now somebody's got to bring the sexual orientation angle into it! I mean, please! So what, now because I don't support Obama I've chosen sexual orientation over race? What...the...hell???? First of all, there is no way to make that choice, because none of these candidates truly care about gays or gay rights. So, much like with the example of the non-existent black female Presidential candidate, there is not the option of a solid candidate who represents us fully. You have no choice but to pick someone who doesn't care about that, regardless of race, sex or anything else. Just because other candidates might not have made that explicit, as Monroe claims Obama has...it's a silly distinction.

Second, there are so many other issues of importance than to make voting and endorsing all about one, even if that one issue is incredibly important to you. We all have to make choices when it comes down to voting in terms of having issues that don't neatly fit with a candidate's issues. Nobody is strictly partisan. I have many conservative beliefs, and yet I buck all those to vote Democratic--why? My liberal slants matter more to me, personally. I can live just fine without abortion being illegal or the right to shoot a gun at someone who invades my property, but I can't say the same about no affirmative action and high rates of unemployment.

And queers have to know that conservatives will do a lot more damage to the queer agenda in office than any Democrat--whether that person is Obama or not. And yet, much like 2004, a lot of queers will not see the forest for the trees and will refuse to vote...but will have the nerve to whine and whine and whine if a Republican gets back in office. Seeing the forest for the trees, though I can't say that I like or agree with any of the Democratic candidates, is the main reason I vote Democrat. I didn't like John Kerry, and I voted for him. If Obama somehow beats Clinton out...hey, I don't want him to be President, but I will vote for him because he's better than having McCain or Romney in office. All these minority groups who can't think beyond themselves or one issue shoot themselves in the foot ultimately.

Third, when will the dumb parallels between Asians and blacks and gays and blacks stop? I mean, sometimes the parallels make sense. But I don't think that because Obama is mixed and there used to be a law against interracial marriage that he somehow magically is supposed to get and support gay people. I get so tired of these dumb, overly-simplistic arguments. First of all, people act like mixed kids are, what, supposed to be ever-so-grateful to the Supreme Court? What do non-mixed people know about it? Many mixed kids, at some point in their lives, wanted to just be one race, and many more mixed people than that generally tend to identify themselves as one race only, as does society. It's not like we don't love our parents, but at the same time--more races more problems is a motto many mixed kids really could run around using. The major problem with a lot of these analogies is that the person raising them usually doesn't know much of anything about one part of the analogy, only seeing what's positive about it but never having to live the negatives of it. It's like white [gay] people with Brown vs Board of Education.

Second, I don't understand people's mentality on thinking being in the same/similar boat as someone else means you automatically understand or support them. Besides, Obama technically is not in gay people's boat. He was the beneficiary of an interracial marriage--he didn't engage in one, per se. As I've explained my theory several times before, it usually tends to mean the opposite because we create so many hierarchies based on differences and being treated differently ourselves. I wouldn't automatically attribute any opposition Obama has to gays to his being black, as approximately half the white population has a problem with homosexuality, as well, and so do many Asians and Latinos--facts that white gay racists conveniently like to forget or ignore.

And you can argue that being a racial minority should somehow breed more sympathy for gays on his part. It's just that, from my perspective, since being gay isn't exactly like being black, it's easy for a black person to take what's different about being gay--i.e. the sexual act--and say that makes something gross or unacceptable about it that isn't there with blackness or interracial relationships. The fact that it's similar to arguments made about blacks and interracial marriages in the past doesn't matter--it's still a different type of people wanting something that is different in some way from what these people wanted in the past. I'm definitely not saying it's right, but I'm not bothered if he can't relate to me as a queer person because I recognize that's it's not as similar as so many people would like to think. After all, white gay people don't understand blacks, and I don't understand white women, but we all had/have our struggles for equality. The bottom line--the fact that rights are involved and being treated badly based on differences--is similar, but that's about it.

And then, not dealing with politics--being multiracial is often, to other people and sometimes to the multiracial individual, about choosing one identity over another. And being a queer minority is often, to white gays, about choosing race or sexual orientation. And, last year, when I was involved with a Women's organization on campus, they framed the lack of black, Asian and Latina female membership in terms of choosing race over sex. As one black woman angrily pointed out to me, the black women were not "choosing" race over sex. If they wanted to be involved with the Women's organization, they would be. They hadn't even thought about the sex aspect, and this is often true with black women.

We don't arrive on campus saying, "hmmm, do I want to join the Women's org or the Black org? I pick the Black org!" It's not like we can't be involved in both. Many black women will arrive on campus and automatically not even think about the Women's org. While the white women are sitting around acting like this is a big problem or wondering what they've done alienating, the black women are off happy as can be at the Black org event. And if the Women's org has an event that's interesting, the black women will go--not because it's about women, but because it's interesting and personally relevant.

Another reason why it's not a choice--and this is true with sexual orientation and multiracial identity, as well--is that we already have an idea that we're not truly welcome in these spaces. In that sense, we haven't really even been given a choice, i.e. it's the black female President again. Face it, the best chance for a black woman to fit in somewhere is a black space; a queer black person, a queer black space; and a mixed person, a mixed space. Out of these three groups, mixed people probably do more "choosing" than anybody, but they probably wouldn't if people weren't asking them to so frequently. For these other people, why everything has to be a grand, indirect statement of choosing identities is beyond me.

Educating Queers: TV As A Mirror

I seriously thought about not watching "The L Word" this season. I realized I don't feel anywhere near the same way many lesbians seem to about the show. In fact, I had to admit that I don't really even like the show. It seems the more I watch it, the more problems I find with it. Yet another reason why white queer females and I simply can't do business.

However, while watching the latest episode, I realized that, despite the show's many flaws, there is one thing it is starting to do right: give a glimpse into the alienation trans individuals get from the queer community. I guess asking them to also show the way the queer community alienates blacks and sometimes other "people of color" is asking too much, but this is a start as the show is finally doing more than brief, shallow explorations of racial & ethnic issues, being stereotypical, depicting most queer women as prettier and more feminine than most of us [queer women] usually see and generally being all about sex and relationships. I must say I'm very surprised to see the show do this with trans people, and I hope they won't be as shallow and fleeting with this as they have been with race.

What I like is how realistic the depiction seems, although I'm speaking as someone who is basically an outsider to the queer community and doesn't really know trans people/trans experiences with the queer community/etc. Even as that kind of person, I could tell pretty soon upon starting to explore the queer community a bit more that trans people are alienated just like bisexuals are. Trans issues always seem to be discussed in separate forums than lesbian and gay issues, and not as often. Everything about the "LGBT" community and being LGBT tends to focus mainly on the 'L' and the 'G.' I'm also sure I had read things about trans alienation, such as the piece from my Critical Race Theory course about how some queers consider trans people traitors to gays and lesbians for changing genders and oftentimes sexual orientations in the process, and the piece from my class on queer minorities that discussed LGBT activist Sylvia Rivera's unreturned support for gays and lesbians.

On "The L Word," there is a character who was born a woman but lives as a male, has taken hormones but hasn't had surgery. The show has explored some of those trans issues and the fallout that can result around it, such as losing a girlfriend you had/met before you started going through hormone therapy and were a woman, or people not knowing what sex to call you during/after the transition or identify you as when looking at you. But until recently, the show had never really gotten into the actual alienation. What I liked was, in this episode, entitled "Let's Get This Party Started," they showed, what seem like, two very real types of alienation trans people get--"to the face" and "behind their backs."

One of the women on the show is what I would call a "professional homosexual," i.e. not only her personal life but basically her professional life and image is centered around being a lesbian--or bisexual...these days, who knows what she is. Since I'm not all that into the show, I couldn't give exact specifics, but basically the lesbi character, who has a huge web presence as a professional homosexual on the show, ended up telling the trans character that she didn't want the trans woman blogging on her site/blog about trans issues because the site is really for lesbians and lesbian issues only. The trans character tried to point out that there is an identity intersection and/or intersecting issues there, but the lesbi character basically wasn't hearing her. The trans character's blog entry had upset some lesbians and those lesbians let her know that her discussion of trans issues wasn't welcome via comments to her blog post, and the lesbi character basically indirectly sided with them by choosing to not upset lesbians rather than be inclusive and acknowledge that the trans character's issues were relevant as someone who used to be a lesbian female.

Then there was another issue. A gay male character on the show has a huge crush on this trans character, and they ended up dancing together in a scene in the episode. These two women who are main characters on the show as of right now and are in a relationship with each other noticed and started talking about it with each other. One of them said she was happy for the gay male because she knows he wants a boyfriend. And the other woman responded with something like "you mean girlfriend," and they both started laughing. In other words, it was a refusal to recognize and respect the trans character's gender identification and transition.

What I also liked about this scene is this: the show is centered around this group of friends, but, to me, there are certain people who have been brought into the group but never exactly included. There are some characters the group appears more to simply tolerate than actually like or have a friendship with. One of these people, to me, is the woman who brought the trans character into the group's life in the first place, although there are one or two people in the group whom she's closer to than others. Interestingly enough, this woman's character initially was depicted as this confused, messed-up bisexual. Still, she is and has been more accepted than the trans character ever has been. The trans character has never fit into the group, though the group generally tends to treat her with a fake politeness but tempered with distance. He has never really been welcomed or included.

Honestly, this is what I feel when I have been in queer environments, as well, as a black person. I have also suspected that some of these people would talk about me behind my back, particularly in relation to my bringing up racial issues. In a way, I feel the show's depiction of the trans character and his lack of acceptance goes toward confirming that feeling alienated isn't always in a person's mind, even if no one is even remotely doing anything all that out-in-the-open that is wrong or alienating. Sometimes when you're around people, you just get a feeling. I can recall other scenes in other seasons of the show when the trans character has been out with the group but has felt awkward with them...because an awkwardness was, or at least should have been, visible to the audience. Sometimes the people in the situation, well-intentioned as they may be, don't notice that they are sending out negative or alienating signals/vibes.

At my university, I am aware of trans individuals on campus, but I don't get the sense that they are alienated by the school's queer community--just the opposite. That doesn't mean that this alienation isn't going on elsewhere, or even here at this school. As I've written in other posts, I believe my university is genuinely accepting in terms of sexual orientation and identity but fake-ly accepting in terms of race...the fakeness being that lack of awareness of or willingness to admit to their own racism that white Liberals tend to possess. I am also sure that trans people here have experienced this alienation shown on "The L Word" and then some prior to coming here, and surely they will experience it once they leave.

I hope what this show will do is open some queer people's eyes to one of the community's real problems. To me, this is the kind of thing a LGBT TV show should do, instead of just being sensationalist, escapist and "sexy." If you have the power to get this kind of show on the air, use that power for good instead of using it the way heterosexuals do with their shows. Expose people to real issues in between make-out scenes. Straight people aren't the only ones who need to learn a thing or two about what queer people are like or queer problems. After all, I don't think I've ever known a group of people to watch a show more closely and remember every little thing about it than lesbians with "The L Word." Mixing that fanatical devotion with efforts to open their eyes and minds is the best thing the writers/producers/creators of the show could possibly do--maybe we could change the queer community for the better. Maybe one day, I could finally feel comfortable in LGBT environments.

Done With White People

I'm taking today off, at least the earlier half, so I have time to write about something I've concluded lately.

I don't exactly know the correct way to express this, except, I guess, through further explanation, but...basically, I decided that I'm done with white people. That's not totally news. There are very few whites I speak to now anyway, and I haven't made an effort with whites in years, which is what I mean by "done"--"done" making an effort. So, it's not to say that I will never have another white friend aside from the ones I do have. But why this is important is thinking about this a little more has made me realize a big reason for why I'm not interested in the GLBT community or GLBT issues, particularly fighting for them.

Before I started becoming more curious about GLBT community and thinking more critically about being queer myself, I was done with white people. That presents a problem, given that, possibly depending on where you live, every single GLBT thing is white--from events to gathering, "support groups" to queer interests and stereotypes. In my last post, I was talking about racism vs hatred and all the different ways one can be racist without hating other people. Last night, I also read a few blog posts by others who have tried "fighting" racism within their own families but gave up after realizing it was impossible to change their families. I thought their posts were so perfect, because they go along with my recent posts about anti-racists, particularly the very first one, my Reflections post. To me, their work is so pointless. If you can't even change your family's mind, whose mind can you change??? Why this is relevant, in a second.

Back to my point about racism vs hatred. I explained the difference between "hating" based solely on skin color and "hating" based on experiences with people of that skin color. To put it more clearly, people most often carry racism towards others not because they hate that person's skin but because they hate the experiences that person brings to them. So what I'm saying, for me, is not that I now "hate" all white people based on skin color; I'm saying I give up based on experiences. Like the women in those posts above, I give up. And like the majority of blacks eventually do, I give up. Not only am I not going to try to "explain" things to whites anywhere other than my blog about racial differences (okay, I say this, but...), but I am done going into white spaces trying to fit in or looking for friends. As I said, this is not new for me, but it's just a new conscious thought.

Sure, we might all be queer at the GLBT meetings. But we're not all the same race. And, no matter what, race is too hard to overcome. The thing that happens--and the thing I hate to see happen--is there comes a day when, one by one, each person who used to think we could do something about the problem of race...realizes it's just too much for him or her. I read what white (and some non-white) anti-racists have to say, and I realize blacks give up before everybody else does...because blacks have the experiences--from whites--to realize before everyone else that, hey, this is not going to happen. I can go to as many white schools, work as many white jobs, make as much white money as I want...I can not act like a "typical black b!tch," I can go to class every day, I can do a great job at work, I can even make the effort. But if I get anywhere, it will be as "the exception"...and that's not even true with every white, Asian or Latinos person, nor even with most white, Asian or Latino people. This is what I mean when I say I consider anti-racists--though the general white population also fits this--naive.

When blacks give up, they withdraw completely from whites, usually into self-made predominantly black groups. MSNBC recently did this week-long feature on black women, and one of the nights examined how so many black women start their own businesses. Given that the feature was completely shallow, they didn't think to ask/examine questions such as WHY. It was to be a testament of how well black women are doing. The truth is, maybe some of those black women have their own businesses because they are tired of white people and white environments--tired of being one of a few, if not the only, black person/woman working somewhere; tired of being told what to do by white males; tired of "having to prove" oneself; tired of being treated unfairly. Maybe it's not that black women are suddenly confident, independent upstarts or the new model minority that can be used against black men to say "why can't you be this way?" Maybe this is black women's response to racism.

And if I weren't so physically tired and in so much debt, I would march right out there after receiving my diploma and start up my own business for many of the aforementioned reasons. I can't stand the thought of being in one more all-white environment or having white men tell me what to do, the thought of feeling awkward for however many more years every day of my life and being ignored day in and day out.

If I can't stand that, then how am I supposed to go to simple meetings where pretty much everyone there will be white? After all, I know what will happen. I've been in GLBT environments, and this is exactly what has happened: with the exception of one "good" white person, no one else ever spoke to me unless I spoke to them. Funny thing that--that "good" white person was a Conservative; everyone else was a "Liberal." They were all sooooo destroyed about affirmative action getting struck down in Michigan, but they also quickly said that they'd rather that have happened on election night than Republicans maintaining control of the Congress and Senate. Of course, a couple of them also just had to get into a discussion of the benefits of affirmative action, with one wannabe-white quite erroneously Latino saying people should not gain admission to school "just because" of their race.

Riiiiiiight...you queer white "Liberals" are really so welcoming...you really understand me.

And then there's the way a lot of white queers want you to completely forget about race. We're all gay now. Being queer transcends race. We're all on the same level. We all have the same issues.

Uh...no, we're not, and no, we don't. For instance, sitting around listening to a bunch of whites and one Latino demonstrate a complete lack of understanding about and fake support of affirmative action when you're the only other minority in the room, especially given that affirmative action is incurably synonymous with black people in most everyone's minds and I'm the only black around...???? White women can try to make themselves the victim in affirmative action fights all they want, but they are just fine without affirmative action and everyone knows it, including them, apparently, since they can sit and say they'd rather lose affirmative action than have Republicans in powers. Nobody thinks "white women" when they think affirmative action. And not to mention that they can walk into GLBT environments and leave with new best friends and new girlfriends/boyfriends--I can't do that.

Then there are the ones who think that black people should understand queer people better than anybody on the face of the earth. Why? Because queer people understand black people so well? Are you kidding? As racially alienating as I've found black people to be all my life and hetero white people to be the last ten years of my life--particularly the last three years--I have never met more people who just don't get it, who are the most obviously intimidated when I'm around and who won't have anything to do with me than white queers. To me, they are worse than white heterosexuals. So, why would I be done with white heterosexuals but make an exception for white queers? If anything, white queers are a big part of what made me throw up my hands.

I have no idea if she still reads this blog, but a white trans woman who used to attend my law school asked me if I attended GLBT meetings and was going to a GLBT event (we "met" online). How do you tell a white person why you don't attend GLBT events? If you simply say you don't feel comfortable, they attribute that to not accepting your sexuality. If you say you don't feel comfortable because of race, they say the white people in their organization aren't "like that," or that there are several minorities in the organization.

Two things about that: "several" to white people means something totally different than it does to "people of color"--they see 4 colored people out of 30 people and think, "wow, diversity!" We see 4 colored people out of 30 people and think, "damn, ain't no black people here!" Bringing me to my second point--"other minorities" or "people of color" isn't good enough to every minority, especially black people. Black people want to see other black people! And in that organization the trans woman asked me about, the one meeting I ever went to, there were about 30-40+ white people and two black people, with a couple other minorities.

I hate questions such as "are you going to the XYZ identity meeting??" To me, that is a question that is asked to test whether or not you're XYZ enough in an effort to decide whether or not you're acceptable. I can't avoid it with black people, but I can with queers by not telling them I'm "one of them." Gays are so much like black people. They have a set of questions that they ask to test you when they first meet you, and I hate dealing with that stuff. I've also realized that most queers think going to GLBT things is the quickest way to become comfortable with your sexual orientation, to make friends, find support/community and so on. This is another thing that just makes a lot of black queers different from white and other queers. GLBT environments are just not accepting for everyone; they're just not "home" for us all. But white queers, not realizing the experience is different for many black queers, still give this advice to us, that we need to get out there and meet other queers.

Knowing what I know about white people, I, at least, don't want to meet any white queers. I don't want to talk to them, I don't want to spend time with them, I don't want to be around them. What other options do I have, then? I don't live in LA. I don't live in Chicago or Atlanta. I don't live in NYC or DC. And, you know what, I don't want to move to any of those places, except Chicago (another piece of "advice" given to me by a white queer, i.e. move to LA). After all, my life experiences with other minorities, particularly blacks, aren't all that much better than my experiences with whites. Moving just to find other black queers isn't worth it to me, especially if I'd have to move somewhere like Los Angeles! Besides, I've met a few minority queers here, and they test you, as well. I fail. I'd fail out there, too. Worse yet, I'd be stuck in shallow-n-fakeLand.

Admittedly, I perceive the GLBT struggle as white, reflecting white interests. I have a feeling that if GLBT minorities got up and had their say, they'd complain about some pretty different things than queer whites do. When I think about my concerns as a GLBT person, they don't match what white queers say. Clearly, there are black queers out there who do share white queer concerns--they have a web presence; I consider them "professional homosexuals." I'm not interested in white concerns, and that adds to the difficulty of befriending white queers or going to their events. I don't know a lot about black queer concerns, but I suspect that if they are also an intersection of racism and sexuality, particularly as they relate to the GLBT community and general racism unrelated to sexuality...then many of those concerns are just as hopeless as ending racism is. I know my concerns have generally been dealt with by just giving up on the GLBT community and on coming out, as well as on whites in general. Other blacks/minorities can (and do) simply do what straight minorities do, i.e. form racial/sexual identity groups and segregate.