Wednesday, October 31, 2007

What Is This?

It's been a while since I've written in my blog. I've been thinking about it quite a bit and even started a post last week, which, for some reason I can't recall, I decided to stop. I think two things about that 1) I am not in the mood to discuss anything of any significance to me or otherwise. A lot has been going on lately in the world, and I have a list of topics that I have wanted to post entries about. But, physically and mentally, I haven't been in the mood; and 2) I was trying to be good with regards to school. I was trying to complete more assignments, attend more class. It worked, kind of, for about a week. Now I am back behind--probably more behind now than I have ever been in law school.

Sometimes, I enlist other people to help me stall. Today--well, Tuesday--I called my mother, and we talked for hours. For some reason, I don't mind the discussions about society with her, but I do mind--for right now--writing these thoughts in my blog. Anyway, I talked to my father also...after talking to her for hours. And then my mother said to him (concluded on her own) that I am trying to get out of doing my work. Basically, it was kind of true. I have a problem with reading everything for a week, then turning around the next week and doing the same. I run out of steam. I can't consistently be good.

I remember that the post I started last week was somewhat about Angel. Even though I can't come write in my own blog, I have been checking my ex-friend Jen's blog--excuse me, journal--every day and reading her entries, which are long like mine but in a much more personal way. Her journal is very interesting, even though she and I are entirely different people. It's an escape. There's nothing academic in it; it's all about these different guys she's juggling. I like that it's mindless like that, whereas I usually don't want to read other people's personal stuff unless it somehow relates to something about race, sexuality, sex/gender...i.e. identity in society and how that affects someone. But then, her journal is also not mindless because it's her way of working out her personal romantic issues and her thoughts/feelings.

I guess that's part of what made me think about Angel. And I think another reason I stopped writing that post is because I can't articulate those thoughts. I stop now and try to think of what I feel, and I can't exactly put my finger on it. I guess I'm confused about how I feel about her and what our relationship is. I'm also really hesitant to share any thoughts I do have. For the second time, I just wrote something and took it back. Bottom line, we're friends and I'm really happy we are, and I don't want that to change. But she's not like my other friends are to me, and I can't figure out exactly why. I feel like there's something(s) weird about us, not to say between us--we've always felt really comfortable with each other. It gets me confused every time.

One thing I did want to mention, though, and I'm glad I remembered--so, she has always been there for me, even when we barely knew each other. Sometimes, I wonder how much that has had to do with race. By that, I mean I have wondered if one of the reasons she took an interest in me is because I'm black and she knows what the legal profession is like for "women of color." Now, the racial question is not what is weird to me about us. I think there should be more people in the legal field like her, if this is, in fact, one of the reasons why she became my support system, and then law firms wouldn't have to have meetings about why they can't retain black associates and why they don't have black partners. Plus, I know we also clicked early on for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with race. We just naturally like each other.

It's just interesting--normally, I'm watching people "click" with each other right away. Usually, they are both--or if there are more people, all--white, and I'm the one left out. This summer, I got to have that. Other people were left out. I know there were other people at work that Angel considered to be her friends, or maybe just one other person in particular. But there wasn't anyone else there who understood her like I do, and vice versa. You see, Angel decided she doesn't want to be a lawyer anymore. If you're one of these lawyers in an office full of lawyers who are happy with what they do...well, no, no one else there gets it. If you read my blog, you know I get it. I haven't practiced law yet--and would like to never practice it--but she didn't have to tell me why she didn't want to practice law anymore. We did talk about it some, but as soon as she said she was leaving the practice...I knew...and it didn't take that much for her to realize I knew. I think that was when we first started finishing each other's sentences, and then every time we talked to each other...we were finishing each other's sentences...and she had first told me about quitting, I think, the first week I started work. I guess the support system hasn't just been one-way.

I also guess one of the reasons why our relationship is so confusing to me is because it didn't take long for there to be so many levels of it, so much complexity. Everything went fast, and I don't know how to figure out what it all means. You know, you think that it takes time to build up certain elements of any kind of relationship. But, with us, it feels like all those elements just came with the relationship. For example, I don't trust people, but I would bet my life on her and would have even a few months which point we'd only known each other for a few months. And when you've been hurt really badly, not even that long ago, you don't know how to tell good people from bad people, which makes you act a certain way. You have your guard up. And yet, I never had any question in my mind that Angel wasn't LA Girl. She is the anti-LA Girl. If we're just friends and if we're always just friends, that friendship is more than anything else I've ever had with anyone else.

And that's about as clear as I can make this.