IR Dating: The Flip Side

See my post about interracial dating involving black men/white women and the gay community here.

The topic of interracial dating is definitely exhausted, but my observation has been that only one kind tends to be discussed or is discussed most of all: black men and white women. What about everyone else? The only kind of interracial dating, other than black men/white women, I can write about with any real knowledge is black women/white men.

I admittedly have a double standard when it comes to black interracial relationships. I immediately think negative thoughts about the black man. With black men, I assume I know what his intentions are and, more often than not, I ask myself whether or not the white woman is good-looking enough by my standards. With black women, I wonder what the white guy's intentions are and whether or not he's good-looking enough by my standards. As far as the black woman's intentions, I assume that, as well.

My friend Nikki is kind of getting on my nerves. Nikki is a black female from an African family, a first-generation American. Her family would not be happy if she brings home a white guy. In fact, they would probably not be all that happy if she brings home--how to put it--a "real American" black man, for lack of a better phrase. Nikki is one of those women who says one thing, seemingly depending on who she's talking to, and then flip flops or acts a different way. So, I remember when we were first getting to know each other that she said she wasn't interested in white men. And yet, ever since we've known each other, her crushes have basically been white guy after white guy after white guy. She and I do something I really don't like to do, which is one of many reasons why I tend not to have close feminine heterosexual female friends--we talk about guys a lot.

When we first got to law school, there was, admittedly, this really amazing-looking white guy there on whom she had a major crush. Okay, I could understand this sudden change of heart. He is, to me, the best-looking guy at the law school. Now, Nikki is like many females in their teens and 20's--one week she's into guy X, and the next week she's into guy Z. So for the past two years, every time I turned around, there was a different white guy she was crushing on.

I started thinking about this. She talks about white men more and more, and it seems as if every conversation we have now revolves around her wanting to find a white man to date. She still claims to prefer to find a black man, but when she searches online or tells me about a cute guy that she's interested in...he's always white. She seems kind of obsessed with white men, and that's what's getting on my nerves. Her behavior is almost like what I've seen in Asian women I've known and even black men who don't give black women the time of day.

I could analyze her situation as possibly just one of curiosity, although she has never dated any male. I don't think she's like black men in the sense of my perception that they have all these negative views about black women and/or lack of physical attraction that keep them from being interested in us. The way that I assume black men in interracial relationships think about black women is what makes me have the double standard that I do because, as with Nikki, I'm always hearing black women defend black men no matter what. There are black women who don't, of which I am one. There are black women who think white men are preferable and treat black women better and/or only want to date white men. I still don't think nearly as many black women are interested in white men as black men who are interested in white women.

My perception of black women tends to be that of either her arm has been twisted or she has come to her senses if she is interracially dating. By the former, I mean that most black women I hear from are adamant about not wanting to date anyone but black men, and they are way more clear about that in both words and behavior than my friend Nikki is. By the latter, I mean that if black women seriously hope to leave the single world behind, then unlike everybody else they are going to have to broaden their circle of acceptable men. White women can be fine just sticking to white men, and black men could be fine just sticking to black women. Asians and Latinos can be choosy, as well. But this is honestly just not so for black women. We're considered the least desirable and the least attractive by every race.

So, if I'm saying they need to come to their senses, it's not as if Nikki is irritating me because she's open to dating white men. What I find bothersome is the obsession or the possible fetish they've become to her. Plus, her situation could also possibly be analyzed as one of those in which her knowing that her parents would not want her to bring that kind of person home is exactly what makes them so interesting to her. Honestly, I have no real idea of why every guy she likes has to be white and why her search mainly seems to be targeting them. It is totally possible that she is not being honest with herself about what she wants and how she feels about race, as I think a lot of minorities (and whites) lie to themselves when it comes to race and interracial dating. Even though she says she wants a black man and defends black men in our conversations, the fact that it's always white male after white male says a lot to me about insecurities she might be hiding when it comes to race.

I mentioned in another post that she's been getting into online dating a bit. Once again, pretty much every guy she has responded to has been white. She posted a profile, as well, and I don't know if she specified race or not, though I know she got responses from at least one black male and a couple white guys. Nikki is younger than I am and has struck me ever since I've known her as someone who is naive. And, as I said, when we have conversations she seems to shift positions, almost as if she just wants to agree with whatever is said by others. So, I think that, although she has agreed with my opinions about men finding black women the least desirable and us having a harder time finding men, she doesn't really understand that.

I remember I wrote in another post my opinion that a lot of black women overestimate their physical appearance and have insane standards given their lack of ability to compete with other races of women. I think having high standards is great, and I see a lot of beautiful black women out there. It's not as if I don't think black women measure up, but I recognize that the majority of us in America are sick when it comes to race. Black people talk so much about how that sickness manifests itself in blacks, but we are far from the only ones with inferiority complexes and obsessions with white beauty. In fact, I'd say Asians and Latinos are worse than we are--I might not know much about those two groups, but I do know that there's way too much white worship going on in their cultures, especially among Asians.

Bottom line, though--all minority groups are infected with the idea that other races are more attractive, particularly the white race. We talk about how this infection affects women all the time, but we never discuss the impact it has on men. When I think about it, I honestly think men, especially men of color, are more infected than women are and always have been by standards of beauty--after all, they went so far as to create them.

I think Nikki's experience so far with online dating just might be the thing to teach her this--all of this. Of course, I'm saying "teach her" when all of this really is just my opinion, but I really believe in its veracity. I mean, with regards to some black women overestimating their looks and their standards, to address that first off. I don't mean black women on the whole, but many black women on an individual case--I definitely don't think black women are worse-looking. But Nikki is one of these individual cases, and I know--even though it seems to remain unspoken--that a lot of us don't like more African features. For me, I think it might depend on the African nation because there are some amazingly gorgeous African women, and the same is true for Asians--certain Asian ethnicities are more attractive to me than others. But Nikki's features are of one of those nations that Americans tend not to find as attractive and, yet, she comments quite a bit on how she looks good.

There's nothing wrong with having that confidence and liking yourself the way you are. I do think being realistic about what others find attractive is necessary, though. I think every black woman needs to understand that men seem to have internalized some sick preference for whiteness. Because of this--and I hate to even think like this, but I really do think this is true--most of the guys she's interested in would probably choose to date me before they'd date her. And on top of her just not having any white features whatsoever, she genuinely is not as attractive as she thinks she is. That, mixed with her high standards (you know the drill, most likely, but even if you don't imagine some really picky stuff as make-or-break criteria), have resulted in her only responding to the really good-looking white guys--ones she's not physically a match for--and sending pictures of herself only to never hear back from them.

I can't tell you how many white guys I've spoken to online, back when I did more online dating, who would say they love light-skinned black women or mixed black women, and who would list the most commonplace black female celebrities as attractive to them. Even as a light, mixed black woman, I found it incredibly insulting. It's an example of how sick men are when it comes to race and physical beauty. These are not white guys who would be interested in a black woman like Nikki. Nikki is a great person, strong personality, tons of friends, intelligent, on the path to a good career. But she needs to get real. Despite everything great she has to offer, her interest in all these numerous white guys has not been returned.

And I can count on one hand the number of handsome white men I've seen with black women. Robin Thicke is married to Paula Patton, and Gabriel Aubrey is dating Halle Berry. But look at the kind of black women they are. It's sad, but true. And there are always exceptions, of course, but they seem few and far between. There are black women, some darker, out there happy with white men, but they are not really the kind of white guys (physically) Nikki is demanding for herself. So, yes, I hate to see one of my best friends do this to herself. But it's such a touchy topic, and because of how she seems to just agree with whatever I say even if she really doesn't, I don't know how to talk to her about this.

I just want black women to get a clue. I'm not saying to have low standards, but a lot of you demand near-perfection. But I've got to be frank here: you're not white. You can't demand perfection and get it. In fact, most white women can't demand perfection and get it. The only white women I know who have men or even women totally wrapped around their fingers are blondes with blue eyes, i.e. the whitest chicks you can possibly find. If you're happy being single, then I certainly raise my glass to you because I seriously think that's great and enjoy being single myself most of the time. But if you really do want companionship, you have got to start looking at the nation we live in and the dynamics we see among people a lot more realistically. You might be worth the best, and I'm glad you think you are. But if you're alone and don't want to be, then something's got to give. Unfortunately, we as black women are not valued enough in this nation to be the pickiest of all women...and we are the pickiest of all women. Yet, we're the most alone. It might sound harsh, but I think it's past time to face the ugly truth.

Reflections On Political Parties

One thing I see in many blogs I run across is either outright or subtle putdowns of Republicans. I do it, too. But I think I also put down Democrats, who have somehow become known as "Liberals."

I want to make one thing clear:

I am neither a Democrat nor a Republican. I don't like either party--I think they are both full of shhh.

This hasn't always been the case. So, what I've found since recognizing that I can't really support either party, except voting for one merely to keep the other out of office, is people tend to assume I or everyone around them--unless they are in certain types of environments--are Liberals. With me, it's probably the school I attend, maybe the profession I'm entering (lawyers tend to be Democrats, it seems) and definitely my race. But another thing I've found is, although Democrats try to appear more enlightened and as all-around better people than Republicans, they're really no different than Republicans.

And that's why I think it's funny when Democrats get all up in arms about their party candidates not supporting an issue or a group of people that they believe these candidates should. My take on Democrats is they pick and choose the people they care about, just as Republicans do, and something's wrong with everyone else, everyone who is different and not like them. I point this out quite often in my blog--white gays care about gay issues, white women care about women's issues, blacks care about black issues, black gays might care about black and gay issues, immigrants and American-born children of immigrants care about immigration...and Republicans care about rich white Christian men. The fact that there are so many split-up groups trying to support Democrats is the reason Democrats lose sometimes, though, such as in 2004. The Democratic interests are not unified, and some of those interest groups don't even like others of those interest groups. You can sum Republicans up just about as easily as I just did. Find a group of Republicans, and they will pretty much agree on the issues that are central to their party. Not so for Democrats.

That also makes it hard to find Democratic leaders who will please everyone who calls him or herself a Democrat simply because of the few interest groups they care about (naturally, there's some overlap and even some who care about pretty much all the "Liberal" interest groups, even if they don't belong to most of them). I think we're seeing that this year with gay issues, and we've seen it for a long time with black issues.

Here's why I'm writing this as a personal reflection:

I've mentioned before here on this blog that I grew up in a well-off, white, Christian, Republican countryside suburb in the South. I didn't really realize at the time that everybody, except for some of the blacks, was Republican. It took looking at my high school on Facebook and seeing how all those people I used to know labeled themselves as Republicans to understand that's the kind of place from which I came. Growing up, I vaguely thought of myself as a Liberal, but I didn't really know anything about that because I hadn't traditionally been that into politics until the last Presidential campaign. After my first year of law school, I had to ask myself whether or not I ever really was a Liberal, because I had no choice but to conclude that I am really more like a Republican. After all, I hate abortion, criminals (no matter what their life sob story might be), legalizing drugs, welfare, and I'm for the death penalty, guns and immigration control.

I'm admitting my Republican side for several reasons. There's this assumption that blacks and that gays are supposed to be--and are--Liberals. Republicans hate us, right? I think Democrats hate us, too, just not all of them. Well, not all Republicans, either. There are black Republicans and gay Republicans, and then there are non-black and non-gay Republicans who support black issues and gay rights. Before law school, I wouldn't have believed that. But not all people who are, say, white Republicans hate blacks, for example--some of them truly are just naive about the fact that not everyone in this country is equal, be it because of where they grew up or simply because they actually view and treat everyone as if they're equal. Honestly, there are Democrats who are just as naive...or worse, they walk around claiming to be for this or that group's rights and harbor a lot of the same prejudices about those people as they like to pin on Republicans.

Stepping back from political parties has allowed me to see everyone, regardless of political party, for who they are. Granted, I still pre-judge Republicans negatively and think more positively of people who claim to be Liberals. I just now have a negative perception of Liberals, as well, after observing the fact that many of them talk the talk but don't walk the walk. Liberals can be just as racist, just as sexist, just as homophobic. And what makes me almost dislike many of them more than Republicans is the fact that so many Liberals hide behind the fact that they're a Liberal, i.e. "I'm not prejudiced; I voted for Kerry." Or "I support affirmative action" or "I support gay marriage." Yeah, but you never speak to the blacks in your environment, or you don't even know any gays, just what you see about them on TV.

I often say that we're all ignorant in America. I don't mean intellectually, even though I certainly believe that's true, as well. I mean we're all prejudiced. What people don't understand is that the ignorances cut across political parties. You can hear someone is a Republican and immediately be turned off because you assume they have XYZ beliefs about certain issues and certain people. But what I want you to know is that while I hate abortion, support the death penalty and think immigration needs to be controlled, I am passionately in support of affirmative action, am probably more upset about the fact that when people talk about immigration control they're never really talking about white immigrants--who, by the way, tend to be from nations that are doing just fine and, yet, they come here and take jobs/resources (rich-ass Nicole Kidman and the like) without a peep from anybody while poorer immigrants who could really use those jobs/resources are sometimes kept out simply because they are darker than Whitey would like--than anything else, I believe in separation of church and state/freedom of religion, and I would absolutely never vote for a Republican. In other words, I think most of us have a pretty mixed belief system.

Even before law school, though, I found it hilarious that blacks are expected to be Democrats, considering that most blacks are actually kind of conservative, just like I am but not in the same ways. The obsession with church (which I've never understood) and the "hatred" of gays (which is much disputed by blacks, even gay ones), not to mention that many blacks are for immigration control...and they, too, aren't particularly thinking about white immigrants in thinking about who the targets of such control should be.

I entered law school thinking about a career in politics. I laugh at that now, for several reasons--mainly because I now envision Jasmyne Cannick and Keith Boykin trying to find ways to "out" me if I became a politician, especially a Republican one, and because I have no party to run for now. Actually, being a politician wasn't my interest so much as working on political campaigns or political commentary were, so we weren't going to have another political "hypocrite" on our hands. Either way, I would have supported gay rights. The assumption I've seen is that anyone in the closet in politics will not support gay rights, and I don't think that's necessary. Many heterosexuals today support gay rights, and I find that I can be seen with gays or speak openly with heterosexuals about my participating in gay organizations or taking a GLBT course and they are not jumping up and down to accuse me of being a lesbian.

I told my friend the psychologist that I entered law school interested in politics, and that seemed to result in his encouraging that path for me. I think he feels as if I can really make a difference. But, just like with lawyers, that doesn't generally seem to be what politicians do, but, rather, what they do in theory. At least with a law degree, I have the tools to go through many doors if I want to, and I will be less questioned about my qualifications to do XYZ on the road to making a difference. But, for me, the doors of politician or big-time lawyer are not the ones that lead to that road...and this I learn approximately $100,000 later...$250,000 later, if you count undergrad school.

Various Personal Updates

Ever since I left school for the summer, I have found it difficult to post in my blog or to even read the blogs I usually like to read. I am hardly at a computer, and I don't feel like I have a lot of privacy right now, what, with being at my parents' house and all. Maybe things will get better once I finally move to Chicago and start working, or maybe that will make it even harder--who knows. Just so you know what's going on. Still, I'm pretty sure I will still be posting entries, so don't go away.

Quick updates:

-I mentioned a few days ago that I got a call from the police and was kind of freaked about it because I want to put the thing with LA Girl and me behind me. I got in touch with the police officer who is handling the issue with LA Girl and me, and he said he hadn't tried to contact me. I don't know who did or if there was some error with my phone, but no one has tried to call back from that police station.

-The hot straight woman at my school never contacted me, just as I suspected would happen. It was just bad timing with it being finals and the end of the semester, plus her graduating. I also knew I was leaving the state before she probably was, which would have made it nearly impossible for us to get together if she was going to wait until after finals to contact me.

-Nikki is trying online dating, and she is trying to get me to do it, too. I told her I don't like online dating because of past experiences--mainly being what I've learned does and doesn't work for me in terms of meeting someone more so than just writing the internet off because I met some bad people through it. Still, she got me started looking at ads, and I found one in which the woman is looking for something platonic but listed very similar interests as mine. Since I'm not interested in anything other than platonic relationships right now and do want to meet good people (I miss my friends from school/whom I met through school already), I sent an e-mail to give it a shot and see if she responds. She's a lesbian and is very into LGBT rights, so I'm curious how she feels about gays who aren't out. Perhaps we'll see--of course, I'll write back with more as it unfolds.

Time for bed.

Men & Intelligent Women

It's funny how I posted not too long ago about how I rarely think about being a woman, or relatively so, and now I've been noticing all these gender issues. This weekend while I was searching online for a place in Chicago, I ran across this cool site that has discussion forums. I've been looking at several posts on that site for the past few days, mainly in the Relationships & Dating section. Yesterday, I saw an old one where a woman asked why are men turned off/intimidated by intelligent women, and it seems her question sparked this huge debate with lots of participation. As can probably be anticipated, men claimed they are not turned off or intimidated and started finding other reasons why they don't like intelligent women, i.e. they feel the need to point out their intelligence, intelligence is correlated with being unattractive, etc.

I thought this was an amazing thread for me to find since I was really angry about being treated like I was stupid by some of my family members last Friday, particularly the two males--my brother-in-law and my father (which, women wouldn't feel the need to point out their intelligence if men didn't treat them like they were stupid in the first place). For the record, they treat people like they're stupid all the time--my father especially does it with women, and my brother-in-law just does it with everyone although he definitely is a chauvinist. Out of all the gender issues--women getting paid less, being less represented in various professions, violence against women, etc--honestly, this is the women's issue that bothers me most, on a personal level. No one would ever get away with beating or raping me, and those are not things I deal with on a personal level. On a larger scale, I often find myself not thinking about domestic violence or rape in terms of sex discrimination or violence against women, although I suppose they are...even though both of those issues can and do affect more males than you know.

There are so many different opinions on the issue of men and intelligent women. Let me just tell you mine now that I've cooled off over what happened last week.

I don't think most men are capable of admitting that they are not interested in intelligent women for several reasons, the main one being that it's not in the male nature to concede anything to women. A woman could be holding a gun on a man, threatening to kill him...he could have wet his pants and everything. After it's over, he's still going to say, "Man, I wasn't scared of no woman!" I think the intelligence debate is yet another one of those kinds of macho-male moments, and that's why the majority of them are going to come out fighting if you accuse men of having a problem with smart women.

Speaking of coming out fighting, men just like to argue with women. And I think the reason they like to is to show how much smarter they are than women, to show how much they know. With so many men, it doesn't matter what you say, they want to take the opposite position. If you're married to a man, you know this is true. Both my father and my brother-in-law are like this, and it gets them into trouble all the time. It's not because they get yelled at, but because the woman is usually trying to tell him something important that he's totally disregarding precisely because it's coming from a woman--especially if it's something relating to an alleged area of male expertise that she's trying to tell him about--and then he finds out later the hard way that she was exactly right. What's funny about this is this kind of thing happens over...and over...and over again to the same men and they never seem to want to recognize the pattern. You'd think at some point, if this keeps happening to the same man, he'd just give up and realize, "Hey, my wife is usually right in these situations. Maybe I should listen." But because they're men and have this male pride, fat chance. Either that or they really aren't recognizing the pattern, which, to me, puts a wrench in the men-are-smarter-than-women theory.

Another thing that I don't think most people consider is I believe men and women have different ideas about what it means to be an "intelligent woman." I mean, because I've heard women like Paris Hilton referred to as intelligent. And it's true that everyone has varying ideas about intelligence. For example, a lot of people argue that going to a school or having degrees doesn't mean you're intelligent. "I know a Ph.D who can't find his way out of a paper bag" and all that kind of crap. Although that's true for a lot of people with degrees, in general, I think those kinds of sentiments come from people who feel some deep-seated insecurities over the fact that they aren't as educated and/or didn't attend certain kinds of schools or resentment because of how society sometimes rolls out the red carpet for people with advanced degrees or from certain schools. And I'm not just saying that because I'm in law school. And, obviously, a lot of people get where they are and seem intelligent on paper, i.e. the degrees, the schools, etc, but they didn't earn it. As a black person and because of the racial social hierarchy, this is how I view a lot of white people, particularly many white men. President Bush--Yale undergrad, Harvard Business School, President of the US = rich white male who is as dumb as rocks. So, no, I'm not totally discounting people with different views about what it means to be intelligent or what indicates intelligence in a person.

It's just that if you're going to argue over intelligence and whether or not men find it attractive in women, define what you're talking about first. I am pretty sure you will find that a lot of men are saying one thing and a lot of women are saying another. And even if that doesn't turn out to be the case, you might find that men are saying all the right things but are hinting at something else. I think when women call themselves intelligent, they are thinking like, "Okay, I have an MBA from Northwestern, a good career making good money, I can carry on a conversation" at base and then maybe more, such as "I'm independent, I can stand up for myself and speak my mind, I have opinions, I'm observant and notice what's going on, I ask questions, I can hold my own with anyone" and so on. Now, with men, you might find the first base interpretation to be there, but the second...not so much, or at least this is how I interpret it.

Although not directly stated in the discussion I read, I do think I saw these different interpretations coming out. I don't think most men are looking for women who have that second group of things listed, because I think men do want someone they feel needs them and because a woman with the second group of qualities is going to have too much mouth for the typical man. For the men who have a problem with a woman with even just the first group of qualities, i.e. a degree from a good school and a good job with good money, I think some of them hear that description and automatically assume the second group of qualities come with it--that's what the turn-off is. "Stupid" women will do what men say without challenging them and will not have the tools to make it in this world without either him or her family/friends. An intelligent woman will not just do what they say and will have the tools to make it without him. And men can call a woman intelligent without her having those things just because he is excited about what she does bring to the table, i.e. with the men I've heard calling Paris Hilton intelligent. And you know what that is. Those men are just surprised that, with her being how she is, she can actually string sentences together with correct syntax and answer questions with halfway decent answers. When you have low expectations for someone, then it's not going to take much for you to be impressed.

Clearly, there are exceptions to men not liking intelligent women, and these were mentioned in the discussion as well. They are not necessarily good exceptions, although I think men exist who do like a woman's definition of an intelligent woman but a man who truly is interested in that kind is rare. And I think even some of them want a woman who is smart but not smarter than him and/or will still treat her like she's stupid sometimes no matter what. Two exceptions I've noted, though--even though there might be more--are men who purposely seek out intelligent women who are doing well so that they can use them, and minority men who date interracially. For both of those groups, they probably feel that what they are getting out of the relationship (i.e. a free ride in life and/or a "better" race of woman/trophy) is worth the loss in masculinity. Or, particularly with interracial dating, they probably feel the "trade" equals out what otherwise would be a loss. Black women are single/never married in higher rates than other groups of women, but the black women who have the lowest chance of finding a man are educated, professional black women. Now, I don't know for sure, but I doubt this is anywhere near as true for other races of women, but especially for white women. Black men will "trade up" to a white woman despite education and success, but most of them will not touch this kind of black woman. You can argue that this is because black women aren't around black men at those levels, but there are a few. But so many of them are in interracial relationships.

To talk about the kind of women I look for from a queer perspective, I love an intelligent woman. You don't have to have a degree from a good school. In fact, the woman whom I thought was my soul mate only had a high school degree. I was kind of surprised that I looked past that so easily, but, then again, she was gorgeous. And I liked that her not being the typical stereotype of intelligent made our relationship dynamic so different from women I've dated or who were interested in me who were the degree/professional type, because I get bored by intelligent people a lot of the time...which I think is one reason why I don't enjoy law school. We didn't discuss anything important in the world, and I loved that about the time we spent together. We just had fun together. And contrary to the prevailing belief that attractiveness and intelligence are negatively correlated, even though she was a "blonde bombshell," she was not stupid. Granted, she wasn't like me--I'm a nerd. But I think she had a different kind type of intelligence than what most people think about, and that's one of the things I learned from our time together. She brought something very different to the table than what I had to offer, and I think that's why I was never bored with her.

And with her, I never had to worry about whether or not I was right or if I knew what I was talking about or my views being attacked. It was really the best, and this is probably how some men feel with some of the women they date or marry. Some people mentioned this in the discussion, as well--two people can bring something different to the relationship, and all they want is to be appreciated for what they bring. And not feeling like I have to live up to expectations with someone must be something I really am attracted to, because I think that's why I enjoy kids so much (although I don't want my own). I can just act goofy, and they are impressed that you know the simplest things.

But even though I really enjoyed her more than any other person I've dated, I still automatically seek out intelligent, high-achieving women. I think ultimately what I would like is someone who does have those credentials but is just a balanced human being and knows how to leave brains/work behind for at least a few hours every single day...especially when we're hanging out. Beyond our hanging out, she needs to be able to go to work and make her own money and take care of herself, because I don't want to take care of anybody, not to say that the woman I dated couldn't. One of the things that impressed me about her was that she was a year & a half older than I was, but she had her own place, her own car, her own job, paid her own bills...which really was the result of the fact that she hadn't spent four years in college but, instead, went straight to work. When I met her, I'd just graduated from college...which, ironically, meant I didn't have shit and had to move back in with my parents while I applied to law school. So I actually kind of felt like a scrub next to her.

But as I mentioned, I'm the youngest in my family, so I'm not used to taking care of people--people take care of me. But I can take care of myself, and, aside from my biological immediate family, I don't think anyone in the world should do anything for me. So, as a lot of women stated in the discussion, I am looking for an equal and a 50/50 relationship.

What Now?

Parts I and II.

It seems that while I was moving away from school on Friday, the police called me. They didn't leave a message, and when I tried to call back I found out the number that shows up on my cell phone is just a caller ID phone number. I just realized that the officer who came to see me when LA Girl called the cops on me gave me his card, and I bet that has his phone number on it. I just have to dig out that card from...wherever I packed it. But before I realized that, I dropped him an e-mail letting him know I'm in the process of moving and will be available starting on Monday.

My question is, what the hell could this be about? I already gave him some information he asked me the last time we spoke on the phone. I'm wondering if LA Girl didn't call back to complain about me writing about her in my blog. I wouldn't be surprised, especially since it seems she mentioned the blog in her original phone call.

Either way, I am kind of freaked, and I am glad nobody in my family was around when my phone rang. I really don't want them to know about this, because I know they are just going to make this my fault. But I thought this was done, and I want it to be. I really want to forget I ever met LA Girl, even though I obviously won't forget the path she set me on, and I've been doing a pretty good job of not really thinking about her or the situation. Now I keep wondering why I got that call, why this isn't over. I didn't want to be dealing with this while I was staying with my parents.

I had my last visit with my friend the psychologist on Tuesday, and he stands firm on the idea that she's the one with the problem. It seems as if he thinks I shouldn't blame myself at all. I'm the kind of person who likes answers. I wanted to know what I'd done to her to make her stop answering my e-mails. And I'm a problem solver. I wanted to try to fix whatever happened between us, if anything, so that we could be friends. I didn't realize, because she wouldn't talk to me, that there was nothing I could do. If I had, I would have left it alone. This is one of the reasons why he blames her and not me. Because of everything that's happened, I still have these questions, but I can now put them to the back of my mind and no longer have this desire to fix things since I know they can't be fixed.

If she does happen to be upset that I write about her in my blog...like I said in another post, this is my blog and no one's name is mentioned here. I don't see how someone can ask me to not write about them in this space and enforce that. I would also be surprised if she read my blog at all. I also am hoping she didn't lie and say I tried to contact her, or that she didn't get some kind of cryptic communication and attribute it to me. I have been worried about this. If anything happens to her now that is weird or bad, she's going to blame me, and the police have this record that I have "harassed" her in the past. Man, I just never saw myself ever being in this kind of position.

Reflections On Family

Warning: This is a rant.

I thought that leaving school would be leaving the awful school year that I've had behind. Not so, appparently. I have been wanting to go home all semester, and I'm finally getting to do that and now I wish I weren't. I hope this isn't a preview of how my summer job is going to go, although I have found that whatever I'm excited about turns out badly and whatever I dread turns out well. Since I'm not looking forward to work, maybe just maybe...

I'm sorry for however this sounds, but...I'm tired of my family. I'm seriously thinking about cutting most of my ties with them. I'm not thinking of it as a grudge, just as I need to be free and stop letting people hold me back. They do that. I feel as if, in some sense, they've always tried to do that, and I've always found myself fighting with them over goals. I'm not sure if they mean to, but I realize that I just think differently from everyone in my family. They think small, and I think big--I don't think there's any other way to get things accomplished. Whatever the big thing is, I feel that I've rarely been supported, be it wanting to attend the best college I could get into, wanting to attend law school or wanting to lose weight. Every good thing I want to do is a struggle with these people. I feel like the only real reason they stopped complaining about helping me out with the law school thing is because they started seeing dollar signs when they realized it really was going to happen.

Today, my mindset is they can forget it. Families are always a mixed bag, at least. There are good aspects, and there are bad aspects. I'm not saying I come from a bad family. There are people out there who have it worse. But I have a low tolerance for bullshit. The older I get, the more impatient I get and the more rebellious I get. I've gotten used to being on my own and not having to answer to anyone, and the last thing I want to keep doing is going back to a mother who treats me like I need to be told everything as if I'm an idiot or in a damn stroller and a father who still thinks he can "joke" around with me like I'm some little kid for him to pick on. I'm an adult, and these people don't realize it. Spending all this time in law school far away from them and doing most things on my own means I'm not used to this crap anymore, and it pisses me off a lot more now when I have to deal with it. I don't see any way to make them stop, because my sisters are older than I am and they still overstep with them. But they are worse with me because I'm the youngest. And it doesn't matter how many times you tell them to knock it off.

I'm about to start making plans to distance myself from them. By that, I mean I don't want what happened today happening anymore, i.e. I don't want them helping me move to and from wherever I'm moving anymore, for example. I don't care if I have to get a second job working at Borders this summer so that I can be sure I can afford to hire movers--from now on, I don't want to depend on them for shit. I don't want to hear anymore "jokes" and complaints about them helping. I don't want to hear my mother ordering me around anymore. I want to stay the eff away from them. I'll make sure they are alright, but, in light of how I'm treated, I'm keeping visits and phone calls to a minimum.

The absolute top ways for someone to piss me off all happened Friday at the hands of family members:

1) Treating me like I'm stupid
2) Making me the butt of jokes
3) Telling me what to do
4) Arrogance
5) Being condescending towards me
6) Treating me like my thoughts and feelings are insignificant

I don't care who you are--if you do any of these things to me, you're getting told. I absolutely see red at these things.

The thing about it is a lot of those things are typical male things to do, and I realized today that there is just no way I'm ever marrying a man because they think they know every-got-damn-thing. Our relationship would just turn into another Tracy Thurman story with his ass crying to the police because I knocked his teeth down his throat. And then you have the women in my family who act like you're supposed to let people just treat you like shit, especially if they're "doing you a favor." Look, I don't care what you're doing for me, you're not getting away with disrespecting me. And in light of that, if they think they can make fun of me or treat me as if I don't have the right to get upset about things just because I'm younger than everyone else and I "don't have any serious problems" because I'm younger and setting people straight when they piss me off is "immature" because I'm younger...okay then, you don't ever have to do shit for me again.

I mean, I had someone who delivers packages for a living and couldn't even do his own homework and online exams when he was in college--my sister was doing his work for him (my brother-in-law)--talking to me like I was stupid and laughing at me. And then I was immature, and, yet, this is someone who does the typical man thing and won't take care of his own kids because he's a man and men aren't supposed to do that--the woman is supposed to do it all. I mean, fuck you. And on top of that, he's got the nerve to be out there trying to cheat on somebody just because he's "not happy at home"--maybe if he weren't treating people like they are stupid and insignificant all the time and maybe if he'd help out at home, my sister wouldn't be on his ass all the time and he would be happy at home. I mean, if you can't even help your wife out, then I definitely don't need you helping me.

And here's men some more:

Ladies, you ever been in that scenario where you're in a group of people and a guy makes a joke at your expense, everyone laughs, you get pissed and he has no idea why you're pissed? You're the ridiculous one because he embarassed you?

Or what about how when you're trying to tell your man, for example, how you feel about something that has really upset you or that really matters to you...and rather than their validating or acknowledging how you feel, they try to tell you why you shouldn't feel that way, as if that's going to change anything? Or any other situation in which someone just brushes off how you feel by telling you to "lighten up." Dude, what we're telling you is not cause for you to voice your opinion or tell us how we're supposed to feel--it's cause for you to respect our feelings and our wishes. And on that note--sometimes we just don't want to hear your opinion. It doesn't matter. We know you think you know everything and that you're smarter than women are. What-the-fuck-ever. Shut your ass up sometimes.

The thing about it is I know my mother has been in these situations with my father--the load only knows how many times I've had to sit and listen to it. And, yet, I always listen and validate her. I don't tell her to be quiet or yell at her like she's wrong when she's going off on my father for those things or call her immature. But this is what I get. Every time I get upset with anyone in my family, I'm the one in the wrong. No one understands or listens to me, and no one validates my feelings. I've had enough of that, and I'm going to tell her that from now on when she gets upset about something and wants to talk, she's going to have to find someone else to listen since she can't seem to return the damn favor. She'll see how it feels, but I doubt she'll see the light because she never does. She's been applying double standards for as long as I've known her.

And what really pisses me off about her is she seems to think I don't know anything and can't do anything. Please, this is someone who acts like she can't even drive two hours to her hometown by herself. She's scared of absolutely everything. I, on the other hand, took my ass to Boston myself, take myself to Chicago all the time myself and was ready to hop flights to NY and LA for interviews until they told me I could do phone interviews--you got it--all by myself. Nobody in my family has ever been any of these places, except Chicago, and I go to Chicago more than they do. And I take care of myself just fine all school year, and, yet, she still insists that I don't know how to take care of myself. We'll see how well I can get along by myself when her ass starts hearing from me a lot less and when she starts hearing stuff like, "I don't need you to help me with this, I already hired someone."

And my father? If he's got jokes every time I want to do something or every time I could use some help, then I just say fuck it. He's always saying I'm trying to kill him. No, I think he's trying to kill himself with the way he keeps stuffing his face and packing on the pounds. Seriously. If he weren't so overweight, helping me move some damn furniture wouldn't be such a problem. And I don't have a problem with overweight people, and I need to lose weight, as well. At least I care. I work on it, and I want to be healthier (not look better). I've lost weight, and I will keep losing it. He just doesn't give a damn. He just eats and eats and eats. And THEN...he has the nerve to be one of those fat men who talks shit about other people being overweight, especially women. I mean, fuck...you!

My parents are always whining about how I need to be somewhere I have family to help me out. Look, if this is the kind of crap I'm going to have to deal with from these people helping me, then I just as soon say fuck them. Nikki already offered to help me move back to school in the fall, and I'm sure my best friend at law school will be willing to help, too. I remember when LA Girl used to talk about her friends being her family, and I thought that was ridiculous. But I've got to tell you, my friends almost never treat me anything like my family does. Everybody else seems to think I'm strong, intelligent, confident...and these people act like I'm the exact opposite. I need to find an apartment in Chicago quick so that I can get the fuck away from all this nonsense.

Sometimes with families you just have to be families from afar. I have discovered that I get along best with these people when I'm away from them. The best thing about law school, aside from all the non-academic things I'm learning, is the freedom I get. And I'm too much of a free spirit for the kind of family I have, and I have too many ambitions for the kind of family I have.

I don't know how many of you know who Jackie Warner is or know anything about her family background, but this is probably the first/only lesbian on TV that I've ever really felt like I related to. She came from a small town in Ohio, and she couldn't wait to get away. I bet that town is like mine, i.e. people don't leave and, if they do, they don't go too far away. Her mother is...ehh. Religious. Doesn't like that her daughter is a lesbian, doesn't understand her daughter, didn't ever really seem to be excited about her daughter's success until recently. But Jackie has oodles of ambition and is a major success now, and she's happily away from her mother on the other side of the country in LA. If you have the chance to check out Jackie's show on Bravo called "Workout," definitely do so. I'm not as trashy as Jackie is with the ladies, but other than that...I really think we're a lot alike. I started my own businesses when I was really young (19), and have had my hands in a bit of this and that and hope to continue that.

And a secret: her show is the reason I started wanting to start my own gym. ;)

Why I Don't Accept Comments

This is probably a post I should have written a long time ago. So, to make sure visitors will understand and ensure that they can get an answer to this question, I will place this in the "Suggested Reading..." section.

There are actually several reasons why I don't accept comments, and I will try to remember/mention all of them:

1) The way this blog is set up.
There are some posts I'd like to accept comments on but not others. Because I'd kept a blog at blogspot before, I came back here to start this one, not really realizing that blogspot has more limitations than some other blog hosts. For that reason, I have fleetingly considered on various occasions moving to another blog host, and that might happen in the future so that I can arrange to accept comments on some posts. If I remember correctly, blogspot used to have a feature where you could select whether or not you want comments for each post...or maybe I am confusing it with Livejournal. Either way, if there's a way to do that here, I haven't discovered it yet. One thing I'd definitely like to do is pose questions and have people comment with responses, so I do anticipate moving elsewhere someday.

2) Readership.
Since I just started this blog in March, I was kind of thinking there would be no need to accept comments, at least not at this point, because I didn't think anyone would be reading or linking to me this soon. I don't know how many people read this blog--I don't check stuff like that, it's not important, and I don't write for popularity...or else I'd censor myself more. I read and comment on other blogs, and, apparently, sometimes those people click back. Because I tend to get the sense that many bloggers, particularly ones I look at, treat their space as if they are big celebrities, then I didn't think many of them would "have time" to check their lowly readers' blogs.

3) Candor.
I need to feel free to write what I want to write how I want to write it, and I believe that allowing comments and putting my e-mail address up will take away from that. I started this blog precisely to write about issues and viewpoints that other bloggers don't write. And the bloggers who do write some of these things, I can see how people respond to them. I originally had my e-mail address up and, after reading about how threats, racist comments and so on have made other bloggers either quit blogging, blog less or alter the way they blog, I decided to take it down. Getting the viewpoints out there is more important to me than interacting with visitors or seeing how they respond.

4) Response.
In conjunction with #3, I feel that I do know how people will respond because I read other blogs. I look to other blogs in order to know what is not being written about in the blogosphere, to know what the popular viewpoint isn't and to know what people think about certain issues, statements and comments. And then I simply pick up the slack. Therefore, I feel that my vision and my voice are too important for the possibility that I might be bullied into quitting. I know that I say things that will make some people angry, and I think that's important. I need to be controversial by telling people that I have XYZ prejudices so that people know they exist and to encourage others to acknowledge their own prejudices, and by showing people that not all blacks think the same, not all gays think the same, not all women think the same, etc. So, in addition to responding on other blogs, I use this blog to respond, as well.

5) I wouldn't read them.
I'm sorry, but it's just true. I think there are a few blogs out there where the bloggers don't read their comments. So what is the point of allowing comments? People have taken the time to visit your blog, sat there typing out their thoughts and then...you're either not going to read them, not acknowledge them or not reflect on them and take what they have to say seriously? One of the reasons why my blog is a reaction/response blog to others is because I am tired of the typical viewpoints expressed on other blogs. So, frankly, I don't want to come to my blog and read those same viewpoints in the comments--I already know that viewpoint, and this is the space for mine.

Also, my experience is that when you write the kind of views that I write the way I write them, many people ignore them. This happened to me all semester in my class about race. I just don't think people know how to handle it. If I were allowing comments, I bet my posts about stuff like "American Idol" would get more comments. Or people would latch onto one part of a post, taking it out of context or getting mad about the the prejudice rather than the reason its being expressed, and comment on that. So I would either have people commenting with threats, ignorance and anger, or they wouldn't comment. Or both--some comment, some don't.

There are some blogs where the bloggers read all the comments and comment back. If I accepted comments and read them, I would be this kind of blogger. But, for me, that's just not a good thing. First of all, it would take up too much time, assuming I get comments. Second, I don't like to "argue" enough to engage in back-and-forths, but apparently I like to make my opinion known enough to do so...which is why usually when I have any sort of dispute with someone online I say what I want to say and then press delete when they respond. Similarly, when I go to blogs to comment, I usually never check back on the post on which I commented.

In all cases, I know that if I read what they say, I will want to respond. Sometimes the back-and-forth just goes on and on and on, which usually means it gets ridiculous and/or personal at some point. It's as if some people like to hear other people's viewpoints to sharpen their minds enough to be able to cut down anybody's argument--that's a hobby for some people...for a lot of law students and lawyers, in fact. Well, this is another way in which I depart from the typical law dork. I like to say what I have to say and leave it alone, because all I need is for you to know my viewpoint, not to agree with it or to change your mind. And, as I said, I've already spent the time checking out what other people think. So, this is simply me letting you know my viewpoint and that there are other viewpoints out there.

There are people in the blogosphere who firmly believe that bloggers should accept comments, and I've read reasons such as learning from readers or interacting with readers. But with some of these people's blogs, I have a hard time believing they read what everyone writes, and with some of them I am pretty sure they don't comment to comments most of the time...which, where is the interaction? And, to me, a lot of these blogs write the popular, PC viewpoints and attract comments from people who basically say "Amen!" Where's the learning in that? Again, neither learning nor interacting are the purpose of this blog, although I do interact with some readers either through their blogs, other websites or IM.

6) If you wanted to get in touch with me, you could.
I'm not going to say how, because I don't want the "wrong" people contacting me. But I'm usually on various GLBT or black sites and blogs. For those who do have my e-mail address, I don't mind receiving e-mails. I just don't want to be flooded with hate mail, or flooded with e-mail, period, because I don't want to sit with my lap top all day looking at e-mails. Those of you whose blogs I comment on should have my e-mail address, and others of you who have found me might have done so through one of the other sites I visit. Some of those sites have e-mail and IM for each member, so you can contact me that way. Okay, so I guess I just did say how. ;)

I have also been thinking about setting up a MySpace or something similar for this blog. I hate MySpace, so it might not actually be a MySpace page. This might happen when I become a "blog celebrity" like some other people. ;)

7) This is not a diary.
I read an interview Pam Spaulding did in which she says that if you don't accept comments, you're basically keeping a diary. Well, except a couple things--you don't show diaries to the whole world, and diaries tend to be mundane personal accounts of one's day and life. I tell personal stories, but there are reasons behind that other than just entertaining myself. They help express viewpoints, to explain why I'm not out and show people why others might not be out as well, to show how someone can be from a certain background and not think like "everyone else" from that background is "supposed" to. It's a teaching blog, in some sense--I teach you things you didn't already know, or this is what I hope I'm doing anyway. I try to shake you from those "plain" views you have just a little bit, even if I don't change them, and help you say, "I see why some people might think that now" or "I didn't know some people think that" or "Nobody says this." Some of the e-mails I've gotten and some of the attention I've gotten from other bloggers have demonstrated that I have been doing this for some people. I don't sit here and bring you GLBT news or black news or discuss typical stuff, not that there's anything wrong with that, just that there was a void to fill--as I said--and I aim to fill it my own way.

It's Official...

I am officially almost done with law school, i.e. I have one more year left.

How do I feel? Depressed? And I'm not really sure why. It could be because I didn't get enough sleep last night. Or because I'm hungry. Or because you have these big build-ups to events and don't want to be busy but you are, and then after they're over you have nothing whatsoever to do and you kind of wonder what all the fuss was about. Or because I don't want to work and would rather attend school for the rest of my life. Or because I know I will soon have to start the torturous job search process all over again, only this time it will be for the job. Or because I create all these lofty goals for myself and have lived up to most, if not all, of them, but am not sure I will be able to live up to the lofty career goals I've set (top of the list being to practice civil rights law and make a difference in that area, and to become a published writer many times over--which, that has happened twice now, but I mean to publish my own works and not be published in other people's works--but also other goals that make no sense such as starting my own gym). Or because I'm having such a hard time securing the kind of place I want in Chicago this summer, and I'm just sick of that process. Or maybe even because I don't feel like I'll ever see another 'A' again for me in my life, and I used to get mad about 'A-'s in undergraduate school and now I'd love one of those. Or maybe because this was absolutely the worst year of my life (and I have almost always measured years of my life on the school-year scale).

Maybe it's just the fact that I feel like everything is so uncertain now in terms of the future. I talked to my friend the psychologist yesterday and told him how I essentially have planned everything out my entire life. And right now I can't plan anything. We talked a lot about what's wrong with law school and with people who become lawyers. It seems like there's always this disconnect between the two most important things--caring about people and being passionate about the material/the job. The people here who excel strike me as the ones who either have little social skills and/or the ones whose primary concern is not and will not be helping people. Maybe I should qualify that by saying, in my opinion, they will not be helping "the right people." Now, I have the "helping people" part down, but I am not at all excited about what I'm doing and can't really imagine being excited about work. I think there's a certain way I need to be able to do what I want to do, and I'm not sure the legal area is that way.

As my friend the psychologist correctly noted, there are too many privileged people in law school. That's not exactly what he said, but he did mention privilege and law schools. I add the "too many" part. I know people here who have tried and/or have been successful at learning about those who are not as privileged, those to whom they can't actually relate. And that's good, but most of those people will not be going out there after graduation to help those people. I know I don't know enough about various underprivileged groups right now, and I really wonder if I just have too many biases and prejudices to even want to help some people. So that's going to be a struggle. And I've often wondered how that works, because I know we all have biases and prejudices--how can you work in areas such as civil rights and not care about everybody the same? I'm going to have to figure this one out, and I feel like I have one year to do so.

I didn't make my daily blog rounds today, except I checked out Jasmyne Cannick's site. For some reason, even though I don't agree with the majority of what she writes her site is one of my two favorites, along with Rachel's Tavern. Today, she had something up that I kind of agreed with. And I say "kind of" because I feel that she gets too idealistic, even for me, sometimes or too narrow-visioned. But she wrote something to the effect that we, in the US, have all these problems that make no sense, given our nation's reputation and position in the world, and, yet, we are all off in other nations' business. It's so right. Very few things make me angrier than the way people in the US and how our government run to help other nations but ignore, and sometimes even deny, problems that we have here. I know that Iraq is most people's sore spot, but I've got to tell you--Africa is mine.

Now, let me just say--I know Africa has incredibly dire conditions. It's not like I don't feel sorry for those individuals or wish that they receive aid. I am not and will not compare the US to Africa--Africa is definitely worse-off. I also know that my ancestry partially lies with Africa.

Hmm. To be honest with you...1) I don't know shit about Africa...never been there, don't want to go there...ever. Okay? Sorry if that bothers some people. I just don't feel that connected to Africa. Even though I'm not treated like an American in my opinion, America is my nation, and that's the nation I want to help and want to be helped first and foremost. I am probably the most patriotic black non-Repughblican ever. I'm not saying I don't care about Africa, just that it's not realistic for me to put it on the same level as or a higher level than the US in my life when the US is all I know and I know nothing about Africa other than my mother's family goes back to Africans somewhere way down her bloodline. I have French blood connections that are "newer" than African ones, and I know more about French culture than African culture. And that might bother some people, too. And yet, I still say--help the US first.

2) When I think about Africa and the help people in the US run to give to Africa while ignoring problems here, I don't think about Africa's problems so much as the reasons why people might be so much more willing to help people in Africa than people in their own nation with those same issues. Now, we can argue about who those people in the US are who need the most help--you can claim it's class, race, a cross-section of all kinds of people, etc. I do think there's an identity intersection, usually class and race, and even with class most of those people are minorities/black.

To make a long story short, I can't help but wonder if this sudden renewed interest in what's happening with Africa isn't coinciding with a general desire among whites to shut black Americans up, as I mentioned with their support of Barack Obama. I think many people are interested in Africa because they really do care about Africa. But I also feel like there's this sub-layer where if you tried to speak to many of those same people about the problems blacks in America face and point out that these problems are ignored, they'd probably think--perhaps even say out loud--"What are you complaining about? Africans have it a lot worse than you do. Your concerns are trivial in comparison. You are lucky to have what you have and to live in America, and you need to be grateful for that." And if you know how white people are, you can expect some of them to even say, "You should be thanking our ancestors for bringing you here."

I don't disagree with some of those sentiments. The problem is you're comparing people in one nation with people in another. One nation is allegedly a superpower, a rich nation, a privileged nation, a developed nation. The other is none of those things. So my point is that, in a nation as "great" as ours, no one should be suffering in any way, least of all in similar ways as to people in underdeveloped nations--and make no mistake, black people here do suffer in similar ways as people in underdeveloped nations, just not as bad. Black people might not live in the exact same conditions as nor get treated as badly as black Africans, but, given the differences between our nations and the American Constitution, black Americans should not get treated badly at all. Neither should American-born Asians and Latinos, nor gays, nor the poor, nor women, or non-Christians, and so on.

Like Jasmyne said, people here--no matter what their background is--should not be dying because of something like bacteria from tooth decay going to their brains, all because a family could not afford to visit the dentist. To me, that's worse than what happens in Africa, because, with everything our nation allegedly has and the democratic bullsh--oops, I mean ideology--we spout, it seems relatively easy to rectify these damn problems that certain groups of people experience here. The money we raise for Africa, the kids we adopt in Africa, the money celebrities give to Africa--if we did all that for people here, a lot of our problems would be eliminated.

But it's not going to happen. It's different when you're giving to people whom you feel can't ever compete with you, who can't ever "take your spot," whom you never have to hear complain about what you have vs what they lack and for whose lot in life you don't feel any deep-seated responsibility for. It's different when you can do good and pat yourself on the back without acknowledging what's wrong with yourself, with where you live, with a place you love and have learned lies about all your lives...not to mention without acknowledging your role. And it's different when you can justify your lack of interest and wash your hands of any responsibility by blaming the disadvantaged people in your nation for their own problems. It's even possible that, like I saw on someone else's blog, we're just not seeing how our privilege as a nation means some other nation is underprivileged--it's easier to deny that we do have a role in what happens internationally and that we do compare to others globally.

One of the first things I thought about when I read Jasmyne's post is that relatively few people in this nation will hear about that story, the story of a 12-yr old black kid dying from tooth decay in America...precisely because it was a black kid. That is the reason problems in America are ignored--they tend to affect "the right people" more than they affect everyone else, i.e. the exact people Americans want gone. AIDS statistics demonstrate that black women and black babies are the most affected, and people have it in their heads that AIDS is a "gay disease" and a "punishment" for gays. Are you still wondering why we care about AIDS in Africa but not in America? It's no coincidence, people. That's what makes me angry about people helping Africa.

It's getting fired up about stuff like this that keeps me going, despite the depression, the worries, the prejudices living within me and the doubts. Somebody needs to say these things and point out the hypocrisy, and this is not being done. You see, now I don't even feel depressed anymore, although I'm still hungry. ;) Forget my 'A's, or lack thereof--there are more important things to worry about. My only regrets--and my biggest disappointment with law school--are 1) there are not more people around this school or any other law school who share this passion enough to choose to do anything about it, and 2) those people are the ones legal employers would rather hire, not people like me. If you ever wondered why there are so many lawyers in the US but why there is so much continuing injustice...I think I just answered your question.

So, it's official--the US and the legal profession are full of shit.

Reflections On Race & Gender

I was sitting around, half sleepy, thinking about the popularity of Halle Berry and Beyonce among men of all races and backgrounds and how the clip I linked to a few days ago raised some important points. First, I have to say--the guy who said that his observation or experience with black women is that we are bitter...as if we're not supposed to be?! We're not justified in being bitter? I always hate when people call someone bitter about something bad that has happened to them, as if that's so wrong to be that way. I don't think anyone has more of a right to walk the earth angry than black women.

Second--about this Halle/Beyonce business. Can men produce a more predictable list when it comes to attractive black women? Nikki and I were sitting around talking, and we want to know--what about Sanaa Lathan, Kerry Washington, Gabrielle Union, Angela Bassett, and other black female celebrities who do not have white features? I don't think most men, particularly white men, realize what all they are really saying when they list off women such as Halle and Beyonce as attractive black women. Furthermore--and I'm sure a lot of black women agree with me--I am tired of hearing about Halle and Beyonce. The media has really made me dislike them, and you would never find either of them on my list of "it" women. In addition to all the attention they receive, I have a problem with the way Beyonce speaks and sounds, and with Halle's indications of mental instability. Besides, I think I might possibly be moving into a new phase in terms of women I like. I find myself looking at dark-skinned black women more.

The Imus situation got a lot of people talking about the depiction of black women in the media. It also got some people talking about how black women have been treated throughout history and how they continue to be treated in their daily lives by men, including me. Now, I want to point out two things that I found interesting. First, Rachel of Rachel's Tavern, about a week ago, added me to her list of blogs--many thanks, Rachel, such an honor to be added to one of my favorite blogs--and she considered adding me as a multiracial feminist. I commented on her blog that I am not a feminist. And I thought about it, because I know that a lot of women deny being feminists and want to disassociate themselves with feminism because of the stigma many people place on feminism. Second, after the Imus situation, blogger Ann wrote a lot of good, long blog posts about black women...to the point where I would click onto her blog, see another post about how black women have been treated over time and I just laughed. And I remember telling Nikki about her blog and laughing when I told her.

It's not that it's problematic or that I don't agree with most of the things Ann wrote, or that I don't want to be associated with feminism. You see, I laughed and I denied being a feminist because I rarely care about my being a woman. So it was funny to me to see a woman writing so much, so passionately about what black women experience. When I write, I do write about women sometimes, and I definitely write about black women. But the emphasis when I write is on black, then queer, identity. I add sex in when I see intersections or when I think about something that I really haven't started thinking about until this last year, which is my gender identity. So, I realized just this school year that I don't really care about being a woman, for the most part. There could be many reasons for this--the two that come to my mind are 1) because I feel that my sex is the least disadvantaged of my major disadvantaged identities, and 2) because I don't really feel as if I am a woman.

In general, I am not interested in feminism. I remember mentioning in another post that white women can probably point out all kinds of problems that women still face in society that I never think about or do but am not terribly concerned with, and I bet that's absolutely true because I am much more concerned with being black than anything else. I tend not to feel as if being a woman is all that harmful to me--even when I did "male" things, such as music production, I felt more respected, particularly by males--and I am much more likely to attribute obstacles I experience in life to race than to being a woman or even an identity intersection. For example, I think the legal field is unfair to anyone who is not a white man, and yet I feel, I'd say, over 90% of the obstacles and unfair treatment I currently experience and will experience in the future in that career are due to being black. Perhaps if I wanted to start a family, it'd be different. But as it stands, I hardly ever think about the role my sex might be playing in law school or law. I think much more about race whereas I know several white women in law school who think a lot about gender and the obstacles that they feel come with being women.

Honestly, when white women wonder why we don't all care about sex the same, why sex doesn't transcend other identities and bring us together, it pisses me off. Like interactions I've described with other identity groups, such as white gays, Asians and Latinos, it makes me angry when people think that because we share some identity we are supposed to understand each other and come together. Being a woman doesn't make me the same as a white woman--far from it. To me, white women are second in command in this nation; black women are in second place for last in command in this nation...and some would argue that we are last in command in this nation. And being queer probably isn't all that much of a reason as to why I tend not to be concerned about gender issues, because I know heterosexual black women who agree with me on this. I hate to say it, but many of us think that gender issues are trivial in comparison to what we go through just for being black. And I want to assure you that no fight for equality is trivial, but it just feels like it sometimes when you are being asked to fight inequality in multitude. As a person with even just one disadvantaged identity, fighting is tiresome. I know many black women don't want to fight for two identities, and I certainly don't want to fight for three, much to the chagrin of gay people. Unfortunately, that results in picking and choosing sometimes.

I remember at one point over the school year, this one white female asked me, essentially, why gender identity doesn't transcend race, because she wanted to know why the organization in our law school that is for women basically has all-white membership. This same female later revealed to me that she gets uncomfortable around other races, although I think she meant in particular scenarios such as if there is a group of us. She said that if she saw a group of blacks and a group of whites, she would head for the group of whites. She also said that she has wanted to attend some of the events held by our black law students organization but didn't know if she was welcome.

To me, she answered her own question. See, I think white women and white gays ask those kinds of questions, yet answer them themselves several times over the course of a week. For one thing, gender doesn't transcend race, and sexual orientation doesn't transcend race, because people don't want them to and won't allow them to. Race affects more decisions we make than any other identity--who to hang out with, who to date, what neighborhood to live in, what school to attend, where to sit in class, etc. You have no idea how many times this past year or two white kids have come into the classroom and have tried to not sit by me, or how many times I've taken a packed train to Chicago and had white people pass an extra seat by beside me looking for another one. In the classroom scenario, I was pretty sure that was race-related after a while. For example, in one class, these two white guys technically sat by me. But they only would ever sit directly by me if there happened to be no other seats available so that they could put distance between me and them, or if they were sitting in class first and I came in and was left no other seats to put distance between me and them (which, I usually was in class before them).

As far as what I said about black women being next to last in command--I believe that, although black men are accepted more than we are in social situations, black women are more accepted in every other way. I think a lot of black women wallow in this lingering misconception that we are the very bottom, possibly because that's the message black men try to send us, but we have now passed black men in most ways...which I think is exactly why black men treat us so badly, both in the media and in our personal interactions. Even though I get angry at black men for how they treat black women, I also know that I have very little interaction with black men and no reason personally to be angry with them. The fact that I have very little interaction with black men in the first place, as a law student and someone who grew up upper-middle class in a family full of women and a white male, is an example of how black women have passed black men.

Furthermore, my findings regarding how white people view black people actually fall in line with my idea that black women have passed black men in most ways. Yes, Imus degraded black women, and yes, black men degrade us. I didn't feel degraded by Imus, and I don't feel degraded by rappers--the latter exactly because of where I am in society vs where they and other black men are in society (and, yes, I did basically just say I don't get bothered by what black men, including rappers, say because I think I'm better than them...but, honestly, I tend to think I'm better than most people ;)), and the former maybe more so because I don't identify with the kind of women he targeted or even because I generally don't feel I identify with most women. For whatever reason, I just never quite feel like people who degrade women are talking about me. Yes, white people will date and be friends with black men before they will date and be friends with us, and whenever they need a token black in a movie or on a TV show they grab a black male instead of one of us. But black males have made themselves less intimidating to whites than they used to be, not that they aren't still intimidating--though I think that often has more to do with what kind of black male he is and the way he carries himself.

However, black women remain intimidating to whites, and I think the irony of that is our intimidating demeanors/stereotype--along with the strides we've made in society despite being who we are--garner us a lot of respect from white people. I mentioned in my Imus discussions, and I'll mention again, that I think other races of women--particularly white women--look much worse in the media than black women do, just that no one ever points that out. And I think white men are largely responsible for such degradation, while black men are probably more responsible--once again, because they are angry at black women for passing them in society--for our degradation, at least directly anyway. I would still argue white execs are right there pulling the strings, but they degrade all women. Black men, on the other hand, are gunning straight for black women, trying to "remind us of our true place," and, obviously, a lot of black women are internalizing their messages.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that several white people have indicated to me that they regard black women highly--though not necessarily as highly as they regard other people--several times flat-out admitting that they regard us more highly than black men. Because of the course of conversation with these individuals, the information was neither offensive nor meant to be offensive. These are people with whom I speak candidly about race on a regular basis, and I found their descriptions of how they view black women extremely helpful. I have found that some white women, in particular, really think highly of black women. One of my white friends said that she thinks black women are stronger than white women and have been doing a lot of things that white feminists have fought for even before white feminists started fighting for those things. She believes white women know black women are stronger than they are and that this intimidates them. Another friend told me that she always pegs the black women in her classes as smart and on top of their business whereas she does not view the black men in her classes in this way.

With both of these friends, we have discussed our viewpoint that--generally speaking, of course--white women are shallow. This is another thing about white women that makes me angry when I think about it. I mean, here, we have Halle and Beyonce as the only black women held up as meeting white standards of beauty in America. Yet, I turn on shows such as "Oprah" and "Dr. Phil" and see blonde white woman after blonde white woman crying and acting plum crazy about her looks. I remember this one really pretty white model on "Oprah" crying, talking about how she thinks she's "hideous" and saying that she breaks mirrors because she can't stand to look at herself. I remember another cute, thin blonde on "Dr. Phil," crying and talking about how she needs to lose weight for her boyfriend.

I watch white woman after white woman act as if her life is completely in ruins because she is "fat" or "ugly" or admitting to an eating disorder...and, yet, I almost never hear these things from black women--in fact, I am the only black woman I know who does not think she is good-looking. They obsess over carbs, fad diets, fashion, white female celebrities, etc, while the majority of black women seem overweight and happy with a I-know-I-look-good mentality (which, hey--I'm not knocking it...besides, actually liking to eat is a requirement that must be met in any woman I consider). I see more white women underestimate how they look and more black women overestimate how they look than I know how to even comprehend! But us black women are the least desirable. Only Halle and Beyonce measure up. Some black women act as if they don't even notice. They still whip out these insane lists of requirements that must be met before they will consider a man. (laughs) But that's okay--I still say white women are the ones who need therapy.

Another thing that has happened over the past year is I've thought seriously about whether or not I might be transgendered, which I don't think I truly am. But I have wondered more and more if I weren't supposed to be born a boy. Not only do I not feel like a woman a lot of the time, I hate even thinking about who or what I'm supposed to be as a woman. I hate stepping outside and looking at the way other women are dressed, knowing they are wondering why I don't look as indistinguishable as they do--because, let's face it, with all of you ladies trying to look fashionable, you just end up all looking kind of the same. It's even worse with black women, because, as I mentioned in another post, some black women seem to go the extra mile to make sure they look good and expect the same from other black women. I wish this was something I didn't have to deal with. But as much as I wish I didn't have to deal with that, I just think of what it would be like for me to be a queer black male...at which point, I realize that, whether I feel like I'm supposed to be a man or not, I would never want or choose to be a queer black male...because that's just too many ass-whuppins...

So, I think there's some luck in my being who I am in a lot of ways. ;)