Black Women Are Bitches

So, Nikki decided to give up on the online dating after yet another white guy didn't respond. In addition to everything else I wrote about Nikki and her standards, she's very impatient. With the online dating thing, if a guy hadn't written her back in 24 hours, she assumes that's that. She's also one of those typical females who thinks guys are supposed to make the move within, like, two weeks of her having a crush on them, or fall all over her and totally "get it" when she makes any suggestion that could easily be interpreted as platonic or subtle. If these things don't happen, she's finished and on to the next guy (which is one reason why she has had so many different crushes over the two years I've known her). I see so many reasons why she can't get a man, and, yet, she's completely clueless.

I know it sounds mean to say that one of my best friends has high standards, especially for her physical appearance, but it's just true. It's not meant as an insult, because I totally believe physical appearance is relative to the beholder. I find it perfect that I'm not physically attracted to any of my female friends. None of them are unattractive, but I would just never be physically attracted to any of them, except maybe one of them--one of my Asian Indian friends, since I think "brown" Asians are the hottest people. But with Nikki, just from observing what happens at school and knowing how men are, I don't think she's the kind of woman physically the average male would go for. In addition, she has these ridiculous rules and criteria. The guy has to be a certain height. Guys always have to pursue her. They have to be the hottest of the hot, and white. Perfect body. They always have to pay, even if they are just going out as friends or have just met. They have to be professional, but not a lawyer.

Did I mention she's never had a boyfriend, never been on a date? And, yes, she's in law school, so I think you have a clue what her age range is.

It's funny, because this is how black women are depicted in "black movies." They almost always look like bitches, at least until they get a man--which, basically, sends the message that all black bitches need is a man. Hmmm. Talk to just about any black male who is married to a black woman. He'll tell you that a black woman's getting married doesn't solve the bitchiness. And before any black women out there reading this get mad, what I'm really saying is men--white men because of work, glass ceilings, racism, etc, and black men because of social/romantic interactions--are a big part of why black women are bitches. They just don't get that. They think they're the cure when they're actually the problem. Honestly, that's kind of why I don't understand women who are dying for a man, and I've tried to talk to Nikki about that a little bit but it doesn't sink in.

But for those black women who insist on a man, they can't be like these women in the movies. By that, I mean--anybody seen that movie "Something New"? Towards the beginning, Sanaa Lathan and her friends were talking about men and being single. And Sanaa Lathan said something like, "I'm not asking for much..." and then proceeds to list the sun and the moon. That's Nikki, to me, and a lot of other black women. As someone who is not terribly interested in men and, so, is a little more objective, take it from me--that's not going to work. In fact, it reminds me of how men think of women, at least when they are younger (teens, 20s, maybe some of the 30s). Men have ridiculous criteria for women, but nobody ever says anything about that because men can actually have their criteria met a lot faster than a woman can.

"Bitch" has come under fire a bit in relation to the Imus situation. I wouldn't call black women's high standards "bitchiness." I think in the movies when black women are portrayed initially as bitches who need men, it's not their standards so much as the way they behave towards men who don't meet those standards...that's what presents her "bitch" image in regards to her standards. I don't know a black woman who acts as badly as those women in the movies do in real life. Nikki is certainly friendly with everyone, but I'm pretty sure she wouldn't date most black men...not only because she doesn't seem to like them in the first place, but because most of them are not going to be professional men. I think in everyday life, black women get the "bitch" image because of perceived attitude and being outspoken. But if a woman is treating men like black women in movies are depicted as treating men in lower stations, then she really is a bitch.

I don't object to "bitch." I think black women are justified. So I say, yes, we're bitches. But there's "good bitch" and then there's "bad bitch." The women in the movies tend to be bad bitches, i.e. scorning men for superficial reasons. Men mean one thing when they call us that, and those of us who kind of embrace "bitch" mean another. We don't take crap sitting down. Men assign a negative connotation to that and use different words to describe that quality in black women, i.e. "mean," "attitude," "talk too much." We assign a positive connotation to that and don't think of those words. To men, all bitches are bad. I do have a hard time including myself in "we" because I hardly ever "act" like a bitch in public, except the way I carry myself renders me unapproachable (I don't smile, I'm not social/outgoing, etc). But the way I carry myself has gotten me called "stuck-up" more than "bitch."

I've never been called a bitch by a man, actually. Prior to law school, I got along better with men than women, and the guys I dated treated me well. We got along and didn't really have arguments. I have more problems with women, so more of them probably think I'm a bitch than men. There are black females even in law school who let the "black girl attitude" thing come out when they talk, even in class. I never do that--I'm just not that "black." The way I speak to people is different from the way I write, which might be one reason why I offend people more in writing than when I say similar things in person. I sound like a psychologist when I talk (and if you don't know how that is, listen to a real psychologist speak sometime, not a TV one--watch "Celebrity Fit Club" on VH1 and listen to their psychologist), which is not so much because I have a psychology degree but more because that's just my nature.

I think there's a certain way you're supposed to speak to people. You have to be clear. You have to make other people feel validated. You have to make sure people understand when an opinion is coming from you and when you're simply trying to explain what someone else thinks. You have to speak with a certain tone. There are certain key words and phrases that help people react better to what you're saying that you have to use (which seem to work better vocally than written). You don't speak as if you know everything (which is what men do), attack people or go off (which is what women do).

There was this TV series called "Black Men Revealed" on TVone, in which a different group of black men would get together every week and discuss an issue about black men that black women are most interested in. Most of their episodes were good, but their episode about why black men like white women was the most interesting. There was very little in any episode that was any sort of big revelation, but, still, I thought one point made in the episode about white women was important. This guy called Ocean said that when black men approach black women, they already have an attitude. And I think that's probably true in a lot of cases, although I'm sure I understand various reasons why many black women seem to have an attitude already. He also mentioned that it's hard enough for a man to approach a woman, and I completely agree.

My thing is...I'm not mean to men who approach me. I'm cordial to anyone who approaches me. But. I hate being approached, especially by men. Instead of going off, whenever a guy has approached me that I didn't want approaching me, I would kind of...what's the word...analyze, examine...him, trying to figure out what this guy's about. Because a lot of us women already know. When a guy is coming up to us, many of us are like, "Okay, is this one full of shit, too?" And the way I think about men is all they care about is sex, so that's why they are approaching me. And the thought that someone is only talking to you, pretending to be interested in you, just because they want to have sex with you--you guessed it--kind of pisses some of us off. If it were a woman approaching me who was like that, it'd be the exact same thing.

Another thing about men approaching is many of them don't know how to take no for an answer. So, whenever a guy approaches, we can't always tell whether or not he is going to be that kind of guy. Some guys get mad and go off on you, and then your mood is ruined. Some won't stop asking. Many of us don't like being put in the situation to turn somebody down, regardless of how the guy is going to react. Some women just want to go out and not have anyone trying to hit on her. Some women get hit on all the time and are actually tired of it. One of my best friends, who is white, hates getting hit on. Guys hit on her all the time, and a lot of them do/say something really weird when they are around her. No one else on earth has more weird stories about men hitting on her than this woman. So, when men hit on her, she's the "black bitch."

As far as Ocean's point that it's hard for men to approach women...a lot of women aren't sympathetic about that, because they think it's supposed to somehow be different for men than it is for women. I don't think so. I have tried pointing this out to Nikki whenever she drops yet another guy because the two-week mark is up and he hasn't fallen all over her yet, and she's just like, "He needs to man up." Look, it's not different. Approaching people is hard for anyone who is not naturally outgoing, and even for many of them--especially when you really like someone. That's one of the reasons why I'm never mean to people who approach me. I think expecting men to do all the work is another thing women, especially black women, need to get over if they're going to get the relationships they want. You don't have to throw yourself at anyone or get naked, but many times the woman knows the guy is interested anyway and is just waiting around for him to make the move. Make it easier for him.

I know that some of qualities I'd like in a man, if I ever were to date another one, are quite impossible. Those qualities are found most often in gay men, which is probably the reason I tend to have crushes on gay men. Things like don't be a chauvinist or macho. Don't treat me like I'm stupid. Don't act like someone has just murdered your mother if a gay guy hits on you, if someone asks if you're gay or if anyone even mentions homosexuality (eh-hemblackmeneh-hem). As far as profession, don't be a cop (what can I say? I agree with "F*ck The Police." Plus, I don't want to date anyone who can beat me or kill me and completely get away with it) or work in any erotic/sexual career (porn, stripper, etc). Pretty much anything else is open. No criminal record, unless you seriously were falsely accused or it happened when you were really young and you've changed. Height is whatever--I'm short, so any guy my height and up is fine. I prefer people who are around my skin color, i.e. yellow and brown, but I'm open to any race. Absolutely no smoking.

He does need to be supporting himself, and this is why: women have the reputation of being gold diggers, but, where I come from, men are the gold diggers...especially black ones. I come from a family that has good money, at least for where we live, and I have a feeling I'm going to be rich someday (not because of my parents but because of me). My oldest sister has consistently been used by men who were only interested in her because she makes money and is stupid enough to spend it on them, and, when she was younger, she was used by men who were only interested in the fact that she came from a family with money. If she suddenly didn't have a dime today, her husband would leave her. The father of one of her children went on a talk show years ago talking about how he used her for money and to buy him things like a car and a house.

My other sister dropped out of graduate school, in which she had a 4.0 GPA and was pursuing her dreams of becoming a teacher, to help her husband go back to college--helped pay for it, helped him do his assignments, etc. And now he treats her like shit and is cheating on her. I've had guys who seemed interested in my family's money, even white guys. I'm fine with a guy who hasn't made it yet and is pursuing his dreams, but I'm not going to help him do it financially, nor am I giving up my goals. Similarly, he doesn't have to pay for anything for me, including dates or dinner.

Final thought--many of the reasons why black women are considered bitches don't truly make black women bitches. They are things to be proud of. And, of course, there are other races of women with individuals who have those same qualities. Any powerful or successful woman, essentially, is a bitch to men. Hillary Clinton is a bitch to a lot of people. So, I'm fine with "bitch." If you're going to call me a bitch for something worth being proud of, then I will take it as a compliment.